The long goodbye

The facts are these:

1. After his surgery in March, to remove a large-ish cancerous mass from his back leg, the vet thought that we had bought Jake a good bit of time. He guessed it might be six months before the tumor grew back and in the meantime he'd have good quality of life.

2. About two weeks ago, we noticed the mass growing back. It seemed rather big for something that had been mostly removed a mere two months ago.

3. This weekend, Jake had a very difficult time sitting, walking and getting all the way down to the floor. By Monday, he could not or would not walk. He was not putting any weight on his leg and his leg was very, very swollen, particularly around one joint.

4. Tuesday, Chris took him to the vet. He had a 104 fever (normal is 100 - 102). The tumor had come back, quickly. The vet looked at him and said,

"Oh, man. I'm not sure I can fix him this time. I'm really sorry." Heart breaks into a frillion bits and pieces.

5. He also said that he'd never seen a sarcoma grow back that quickly. (And maybe there's some comfort in the idea that what is happening to your beloved pet is unusual and not normal, but when you draw the short stick it sucks because that's the reality you've just been handed. It's yours now, rare or not, and it's just as crappy as something common.)

6. The tumor was blocking the return blood flow in his leg and it was pooling and collecting. There was also another swollen mass that he thought was more blood collecting in his abdomen. He gave him a steroid shot and some pain killers and sent Chris home. They had The Talk about what to do if this did not make him "markedly better" in 24 hours.

7. He came home and told me and I cried.

It's just so hard, losing a pet that's been in your life this long. He's not even MY dog, he belongs to Chris. Chris got Jake when he was still in college and this dog has been with him through a lot. For me, Jake has always been a part of this awesome package deal of Chris + Jake that I lucked into. He's an amazing animal.

I am not sure what the next few days hold for Jake, but I'd be lying if I told you I thought he'd be with us next week. I think he's in pain and that his leg hurts. He can't or won't go outside to pee without a significant amount of encouragement. (But, he will go.) So not being able to walk is pretty bad for a dog, I know. I KNOW.

But, I am not sure that his whole body is in pain. You know, end-of-life pain. I have a hard time thinking that we'll have to, you know, put him to sleep or put him down or, my God, euthanize him (I hate that word and maybe it's because I hate the concept even more). Who am I to say that Jake has had enough? Who am I to deprive him of one more day of Milk Bones and loving pats, even if he's just laying on the floor all day? I wish he could tell me. What if he's in pain but not PAIN-PAIN? What if we made that decision too soon? What if we didn't make it soon enough and he suffered a great deal unnecessarily?

I can't decide if a long goodbye is better than a short goodbye. If knowing what's ahead is better than a surprise. They both probably suck and those are the kinds of things you tell yourself to temper the blow. It was better this way.

And then there is Claire. We told her that Jake was sick and had to go see the doggie doctor. Her face got sad and she asked if Jake needed his temperature taken. She said that sometimes she goes to see the Doctor and she gets medicine and she feels better. Jake get some medicine? Yes, honey. Jake will get some medicine.

We stopped short of telling her it would make him better.

Comments

[Vanessa Napolitano]

:( I'm so sorry. We lost our family dog a couple years ago and it was really sad. And, holy crap to having to tell Claire. I wouldn't know how to do it either. Your family and puppy are im my prayers. :(

[Jessica]

I'm so sorry.

[ccr in MA]

I am so, so sorry.

"I can't decide if a long goodbye is better than a short goodbye. If knowing what's ahead is better than a surprise. They both probably suck and those are the kinds of things you tell yourself to temper the blow. It was better this way."

I went through exactly that when my cat with a heart condition died, and then a year later his brother died out of the blue. You are totally right, both ways suck--in slightly different ways, but they're both awful.

If it helps to know that you're not alone, you're not. Been there, hated that. Wish I could make it go away for you all.

(One comfort: when it was "time" for Pan, I really did know. I had been afraid I wouldn't, but I was totally sure. Miserable, but sure.)

[Erin]

Oh, sweet, happy Jake. I hope the steroid is making him feel better. It's 100% the hardest decision I've ever had to make. Still haunts me. Like you said, I wish they could just tell you. Sending you all hugs and praying for peace and comfort.

[Elsha]

I'm sorry, that really sucks.

[Sara @ Belle Plaine]

I am so, so sorry for you, for Chris, for the girls and for Jake. Losing a family pet is one of the ultimate heartbreaks. I'm thinking of you guys and wishing for recovery for Jake.

[Bryan]

We've lost two pets in the last few years. Ginger we had to put down and the cat passed of old age. I'm sorry y'all. I really am. The questions Claire will ask for years will tug at you.

[Nora]

A'Dell, we have three cats and one dog. Our daughter is only 1 but she loves them dearly already. I dread the day that I have to answer the questions that Claire is asking you right now. I'm praying for strength and peace for your family, and all the best for Jake.

[Katie]

I'm so very sorry. Gonna have to repost my facebook response, but I just wanted you to know that I am thinking and praying for your little guy and all of you.

[BigP's Heather]

My heart is aching for you guys.
I'm so sorry.

[Erin G]

this made me cry. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. And Chris too. Whatever you decide will result in a "new normal" but allow yourselves time to mourn and transition into it as needed. I can tell how loved Jake is.

[Annie]

Praying for all of you, A'Dell. And for your aching hearts. XXOO

[Chris]

Thanks to all for the great support and encouraging words.

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

Oh A'Dell... I am so sorry for you and Chris. A pet is a family member, and to watch him hurt and to have to decide these things... It's awful. Thinking of your family.

[HereWeGoAJen]

I'm sorry. This is a truly awful situation. I'll be thinking about all of you.

[meghan]

I'm so sorry for you all. And telling Claire?? Yikes, I am not prepared for when I'll have to answer those questions.

Thinking of you as you make these impossible decisions.

[RockyCat]

I'm sorry. And don't worry - you'll know when it's time.

Again, I'm sorry.

[Manda]

Oh my. I'm so sorry. It's hard when they go on their own time, but it's completely flipping miserable when you have to decide whether to put them down or not. I do not envy the task before you, but I'm wishing you peace in whatever your decision is. Trust your heart on this one. I think it'll tell you when is the right time.

[Mel]

I'm so sorry. :( What a miserable situation. My mom was the kind that took every animal off the street when I was a kid, so I went through a LOT of pet losses over the years. It was my very first experience with death as a child and though it was difficult to process, my mom always handled it so well. You'll know what to do when the time is right.

[Chris]

It was about 2 years ago that our dog had surgery and we found out she had an inoperable tumor attached to her intestines and that is why she hadn't been eating. The vet called while she was still under anesthesia and asked me if I wanted them to wake her up. We decided that we had to wake her and try to help make her comfortable and when it was time to make that totally-sucks-adult decision we would know. And we did. It came about 3 months later when it was fairly obvious after the chemo and other drugs she was no longer comfortable. She was appeared to be in a lot of pain and would not eat anything, even her favorite scrambled egg. We knew what we had to do.

It sucks and I still miss her and cry whenever I read or hear about someone else's beloved pet sick or dying. If your vet thinks that Jake's quality of life is suffering (they should be the expert) it may be time. I hope you all can have peace with your decision.

[Heather]

I'm so sorry for your family. The decision to put him down is a hard one, but just trust your heart and your vet to help you decide, and don't look back. You love him and will do what is best for him.

[natalie]

I'm so sorry to hear about Jake. Thinking of you and your family.

[katie]

Hi, Im a blog lurker. I had to skip every single word of this post. I am a complete and total dog lover and as the mom of 2 dogs, I couldnt even bear to read it, for fear of the "ugly cry". but I have been in your shoes and know how absolutly awful it is. I was the girl who had to call off work because of it. and now Im crying into my dinner napkin. anywho, Im so, so sorry and honestly, you have my most sincere thoughts.

[beth]

Heart-wrenching :(
Could you amputate and get him a little doggie wheelchair?

[Sarah]

I am so sorry. I'm actually fighting back tears for you while I sit at my desk at work. Losing a pet is losing a member of your family. We lost our 10 year old dog very suddenly last November (we came home from work at 5:30 and he was up and out in the yard and he was gone by 8) and I still cry almost every day. I miss him so much. Enjoy every minute with Jake until he is no longer with you. I would give anything to have had another day with our puppy.