are things complicated yet?

I taped diapers to my dining room table and then wrote about it. I need a hobby.

You've noticed all the cutting back at the grocery store right?  No, I don't mean YOU cutting back.  I mean the suits who make the things we buy.  There's a conference room somewhere in America where they are rubbing their hands together with glee and saying something like,

"Oh, Suzie Housewife will NEVER NOTICE if we make the box 3 ounces smaller and keep the price the same!  If we do this we'll make enough to hand out bonuses this year!  I know you were thinking about putting in a pool Clark."

Yes, it's the oldest retailing trick in the book: things keep getting ever so teeny-tinier so you don't really notice when you're at the store, but they stay the same price.  It's a price increase on the sly and it's so annoying!  

A few weeks ago I was changing Claire and I opened a new box of diapers.  I noticed that they felt a little...different.  But since I had a squalling child writhing around, in imminent danger of Toes In Poop, I didn't really pay much more attention.  I changed her and sent her off running towards her next adventure.

The next time I changed her I noticed the diapers were weird again.  I checked the remainder and they were ALL thinner, papery-er and not a soft as I'd remembered.  Because I am stupid I thought I had a bad box.  Like, "Oh no!  There's been a mistake at the factory!"

I continued to think that as I used up the box.  Bad box, factory error, whatever.  But the next box was all screwed up too.  And the next one!  I was flummoxed.  My mind set to wandering.

How did I get so many bad boxes of Pampers Cruisers Size 4?  I mean, I've been buying Pampers since day one and I've never had a bad box before.  Maybe my Wal-Mart got ALL of the bad boxes from that day?  That would be so weird.  I should Google that and see if they'd had a factory mistake in the south or...WHOA, WHOA, WAIT A MINUTE.  I'VE BEEN HORNSWAGGLED.

I walked directly to a diaper bag I hardly ever use and plucked a diaper out of it.  A diaper that had been purchased weeks ago.  And dudes, it was completely different.

EXHIBIT A

New diaper on the left, old on the right.  They look the same right?  That is, to the uneducated eye.

EXHIBIT B

Let's open these dipes up.  The new one looks similar to the old one, on the right.  But they're not the same!  NO! NOOOOOOOOO!

Look at Old Diaper - see how the absorbent strip ceases about 2/3 of the way up?  Where all those convenient, angry red circles are?  Yes, that's where the absorbent part ceases and the thin, ridiculous layer of mere PAPER begins.  I know these are, at their core, paper products, but I didn't really mean to purchase JUST paper.  Paper will not do the job!

Proctor and Gamble: I AM NOT PAYING FOR PLAIN OLD PAPER, OKAY?

EXHIBIT C, THE OLD, AWESOME DIAPER, IN MACRO LENS DETAIL

Look at how pillowy it is.  It's so soft and fluffy.  And...quilted!  I don't know what that does but the toilet paper people seem to talk about it a lot so it must desirable.

EXHIBIT D THE NEW, CRAPPY DIAPER (HA, I MADE A FUNNY!) IN MACRO LENS DETAIL 

Look at this!  You can SEE THROUGH THE DAMN THING in the back.  Hi Grover!  It looks like printer paper in there.  There is a total lack of soft fluffiness, plus the part about the whole section of diaper functioning material that is AWOL.

This is a KEY DIAPER FUNCTIONING AREA, if you know what I'm saying.  It is ALARMING to look at this photo and think of the near-disasters.

EXHIBIT E (WHERE I START USING MATH AND GET SOME SERIOUS EVIDENCE TOGETHER)

So, at this point I did what any normal, sane, pissed-off Mom would do.  I opened the diapers, got out some packing tape and taped them to my dining room table so I could measure them side-by-side.  And, LO.  There is a stunning SIX INCHES of absorbent material missing from the new version.  (I rounded up.)

I was very scientific when measuring, as you can see below.

Obviously, Proctor and Gamble have switched up how they make Pampers Cruisers, and it looks pretty clear that it's a cheaper way to make them at the consumer's expense.  I'm still paying about $20 for a box of the stupid things so I am definitely feeling tricked, cheated, duped, etc. 

While we have not had any incidents with the new dipes I'm definitely annoyed.  It's just so devious of them.  Now would certainly be a good time to switch to cloth, and yet...Oh Lord that sounds like a lot of work and toting around of dirty diapers every day.

Has anyone else noticed products getting smaller/lower quality on the sneak?  I'd be interested to see what I haven't noticed.

Updated 10/20

I've decided that we're going to switch to Costco Diapers.  I also messaged Pampers on Twitter with a link to this post and (OF COURSE) they have said nothing.  They don't care.  I mean, I already bought a freaking YEARS worth of dipes from them already.  So, so, so annoying.

Welcome to Procrastination Station, where everything sucks and it's easy to feel bad about yourself!

1.  Right now, I am stressing out about a rental car.  A stupid rental car.  See, I am flying in on Wednesday to Sacramento and I need to figure out how to get myself to St. Helena that afternoon.  That's it!  A measly 47 miles!  It's proving much more difficult than I thought, especially since I waited until the last minute.

Nobody wants to rent me a car one-way and all of the car service companies I can find won't go to Napa.  So then I'm left with renting a car that I don't need for the whole weekend at a cost of about $250.  I mean, I would definitely USE the car but it's just that it's superfluous and annoying.  I even looked at taking the bus, but Greyhound doesn't go to Napa either.

So, I don't know what I'm going to do but it's pissing me off since I waited so long to deal with it.  I will probably rent the stupid car for the week and then make everyone ride with me because HI! I HAVE A CAR!  And then I will return it with a lot of trash in it, because I'm MAD.  Maybe I should just rent a bicycle.  You know, if they'll let me.

2.  I'm not ready to leave on my trip yet.  Wait, did you know I'm going on a trip.  YES!  A TRIP!  I have been meaning to post the cute little sunshine badge over on the right for months and months but people, I am lucky to get clean underwear on every day and posting that badge was at the bottom of my list.

Anyway, going to Sacramento and Napa and San Francisco!  Hanging out with my awesome college friend Natalie and my Bloggy Friends!  Going to posh wine parties and hanging out with the ladies!  WOOOO!  Very excited!

3.  So, back to my pre-trip freak out.  I'm running out of time to prepare.  This trip has completely snuck up on me.  There is a mountain of laundry.  And I wanted to buy sassy new jeans.  And I have to buy my cutesy little presents for everyone so they will think I'm gracious.  I have not wardrobe planned.  (What does one wear to a posh wine party, anyway?  Probably something I don't own.)  I haven't decided if I will check my bag or carry on.  I am out of Key Makeup Items and I don't have time to order them online and I definitely don't want to go to the mall tomorrow.  I will probably wake up tomorrow with ten giant zits.  SUCH IS MY LUCK.

4.  Claire is sick.  Chris is sick.  And I'm leaving on Wednesday for the weekend.  I know that he will be able to handle whatever happens but I feel badly leaving my husband to fend for himself with a sick kid.  It seems...cruel.

5.  There is a football game in two weeks that I am supposed to find a baby sitter for and, um, I have not done that yet.  It's the A&M vs Arkansas game at Jerry World and it's kind of a big deal in the sense that the tickets cost too much to bail on and I'm interested to check out the stadium.  Claire obvs will not be attending, but everyone else in my family wants to (which strikes a lot of my potential sitters) and I need to locate a sitter who is not my mother.  I will be calling Candice in the morning and praying she is available, but this is just one of the many, many, many things I have procrastinated on this month.

6.  My daughter is turning one year old in 2 weeks and I have done exactly NOTHING to plan her a birthday party.  I want to have a really big, fun party but I have yet to realize that yo, A'Dell, that shit don't plan itself.  So, um, 2 weeks.  Yeah.  I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about that. It's hard not to feel totally crappy about this one. I also need to schedule her one-year portraits and I haven't made that phone call either, even though I know my baby photog is mega popular and fills her schedule fast.  Lordy, I suck.  I missed the 9-month photos, please don't let me miss the one-year.

7.  For everyone who has asked me what Claire wants for her birthday, the answer is, "Anything a person who is 1-year-old would enjoy."  She has no further comments and I have no further time to research it.

8. I have not sent my family monthly pictures since, um, April?  And I have completely lost all of my photos from last November.  Don't even get me started on the video files.  Dude, I never thought technology would make me feel bad about myself, but that video camera does.  Every time I look at it I think of all the files inside of it that need editing and then I feel overwhelmed and I leave the room so I don't have to look at it any more.

9.  Let's turn this around though.  If you go sign up for my awesome friend Natalie's newsletter about WINE from her AWESOME WINERY, Astrale e Terra, you will be entered to win a freaking MAGNUM OF WINE.  That is a giant bottle of yummy, delicious, bad-mood-busting booze!  Natalie was nice enough to send wine to our bloggy party and, well, I love her even more for that.

Sign up!  Natalie is a clever writer and you'll like her updates.

(Plus, I don't think hundreds and hundreds of people have signed up so, you know, your chances are probably pretty good.  WORTH THE CLICK.)

It's 4 am. UGH

Just when I was starting to enjoy sleeping all night long, Claire has hit her week 37 developmental Wonder Week.  Her brain is busy making new connections and figuring out the Wonderful World of Categories so she can't be bothered to sleep in more than 5-hour increments.

This means a lot of 3 am wake up calls.  3 am is really the very WORST time for that sort of thing.  It's late enough to break me out of a deep, calming sleep but early enough so that after 30 or 40 minutes of soothing her it's just a wee bit too late to be worth going back to bed at 4-ish.

Reveille is normally 5 am around here.  (The trade for such an obnoxious start to the day is that Chris and I are usually both home by 3.)  Is it really worth going back to bed for only an hour?  Or should I do one of those things I'm always saying I don't have time for?  Like breakfast, exercising, folding laundry, cleaning the kitchen or maybe even something totally luxurious like shaving my legs.  Since it's JUNE and all.

I can sleep when I'm dead.  Right?

****

I just finished my first latte of the day.  I am definitely making another one.  My current favorite concoction is:  espresso, steamed fat free milk, one pump coconut syrup, one pump macadamia nut syrup, one teeny scoop of chocolate powder.

It's a replication of the latte I was drinking in Maui last April that they called a "Nutty Hawaiian."

So.  Freaking.  Good.

Should I get these funky glasses?

I like them a lot.  I'm just not sure if I'm a Funky Glasses Person.  I mean, I don't play guitar, vote Democrat or recycle at home.  I'm not sure I'm even allowed to be trying these on.

Every time I shop for frames I think, "I am totally going to get something fun this time instead of ANOTHER pair of simple wire frames." 

But I've never been able to do it.  I've had the same glasses for 9 years and they're really boring silver-ish frames.  I have worn them in public approximately ten times in 9 years.

I like these...but I just can't seem to commit to them.  I feel like I might wear them more often than my current glasses since they're such a big statement and more stylish.  But I don't know...Thoughts?

I am the very definition of "lazy" today

Today I got up at 930, ate pancakes and went back to bed. I stayed there until nearly 130, getting up only to feed Claire.  I then ate a bowl of turkey chili and camped out in the living room for the rest of the day.  I watched the first three episodes of The Tudors (3 hours) and uploaded more than 100 photos to Kodak Gallery from December, organized them, attempted pithy commentary and shared them with friends and family.

(Side note: HATE HATE HATE the new Slideshow format they have.  Am currently taking recommendations on a new photo-sharing site.)

Right now I'm watching 60 Minutes while the baby naps, with an impressive array of children's toys spread about the house that I've already decided I am definitely not picking up tonight.  I am deciding whether I want to eat a frozen pizza or a Lean Cuisine for dinner. 

Oh wait, no, Chris is making turkey melts.  Score.

You know, Sunday has always been my favorite day of the week.

The Pity Party is officially over. (For now.)

Let's not talk about the struggles and complexities and HIGH HOLY DRAMA of learning how to balance being a new mom and a working mom any more.  I am SO TIRED of thinking about that topic. 

DRAMA every damn day it seems.

Instead, let's do a meme!  A meme is always fun!  Manda would like to see me list seven odd/unique/random things about myself.  And I will indulge her because we are bloggy-type friends and that is the magic of the internet at work. 

***********

SEVEN ODD/RANDOM THINGS

1. I have exactly 4 outfits I can wear to work and they involve rotating two pairs of pants.  I hate all of the outfits immensely and yet I cannot find anything worth even trying on in the stores.  Closet stalemate.  Work Wardrobe fail.  Am frumpy new mom of the highest order.  The worst part?  I sort of don't care because I hate winter clothes anyway and I always feel like they're a waste of money since it's not cold for very long here in Ft. Worth.  I'm holding out for spring clothes before I replenish my wardrobe post-child.  I can make this frumpy cardigan last ALL WINTER.

2. Nursing Bras.  They suck.  Most necessary undergarment EVER and yet?  Hardly any options to choose from.  And they all come in white.  WHITE?!  Who wears only white bras?  I have gone through a lengthy shop and return process with many online vendors and finally I did what I knew I needed to do all along: go to my favorite shop and get fitted by a real human.  Bliss followed.  Am big believer in getting fitted.  A properly fitted bra will change your life if you let it. I beg of you: LET IT.

3. My husband came home one day this week and had watched Oprah at the gym because it was only thing on.  He came home and talked about her topic for the day.  I can't remember what he said because I stopped listening after "So, I was watching Oprah today," because I was laughing hilariously on the inside.  I'm sorry you were forced to watch Oprah Chris.  But don't you see now?  She GETS to people.  Even my husband.  (Me on the other hand?  Oprah kind of annoys me.)

4. Every day when we come home I immediately strip down the baby, wash her hands, give her a bath and put her in new clothes.  I feel that after being at day care she is somewhat contaminated and if I clean her right away I'll minimize the risk of getting her sick.  Big WHATEVER on that one as only 6 days in, she is sick.  She slept  upright in her swing for three nights because she was too congested to lay down.  Pediatrician says it's a plain old winter cold.  So pathetic and sad. 

5.  I am a lot more livid than I let on about TARP and the economy and my taxes and our new president.  A LOT MORE LIVID.  Whereas lots of people were saying "Yes we can," for the past few months I was thinking, "Oh no you didn't" the entire time.  Am still thinking that.  Very interested to see how this all pans out over the next few years.  Am also assuming massive tax hit for 09.  Wheeee.

6. I keep a half gallon of Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla ice cream in the freezer at all times.  It is the perfect accompaniment to a variety of things: pie, brownies, cake, fruit, Grand Marnier.  Particularly Grand Marnier.  YUM

7. I am not a morning person.  I never have been.  But lately I have come to appreciate the early morning for the privacy and time alone with Claire that it gives me.  I have often wondered how you can get more hours from the day and it's pretty simple - you just sleep less.  Most work days I get up at 445 am and this affords me hours of luxurious time to get ready and out the door.  Of course, by 8pm I'm usually beat, but so is Claire and that's fine by me.  My singular priority for the next few months is to simply eke out as much time with her as I can and sacrifice frivolities like vacuuming and laundry if necessary.  So far, it's been tough to turn off the voice in my head that screams, "THE HOUSE IS FILTHY LET'S SPEND ALL DAY CLEANING IT."  (And really, it's not that filthy - it could just use a good dust and vacuum but it still bothers me quite a bit.)  But, I'm trying. 

Oh crap, I DID end up talking about balancing working and mothering, didn't I?  See, it just invades every corner of my life.  I can't help it.  It's who I am now.

Dude, I am so lucky I made it out of the 70's

I'm working on putting a post together with our baby pictures and Claire's so we can do a sort of "Who does she look the most like" activity.  I asked my mom to scan some photos for my little project.

Honestly, it's amazing I survived 1979 and into the 80's what with my mother bathing me next to a SPACE HEATER on the counter with all kinds of hot wires and heating elements exposed. (On very tippy looking legs no less.) 

And Dad?  This hat?  I don't even have any words.  I'm just glad we got out of the 70's alive.

(Doesn't this just beg the question: What am I doing NOW that Claire will look back on and say, "OMG you were totally endangering my life!!!")

I tried to shop and I failed. BIG FAT FAIL.

Last week I went to my local shopping place-type-area.  I have no idea why I did this.  It was not planned.  I was in the neighborhood, Claire was being really good and agreeable and I thought "HEY!  Let's browse stores and see if anything good is on crazy-desperate-retailer sale!"

Do you know how long it's been since I leisurely browsed in a shop in real life?  MONTHS.  I didn't even really do that while I was pregnant because it was just...depressing to look at all the pretty clothes with waists that I couldn't possibly buy for ages and ages.  Sometimes I truly thought that I would be pregnant FOREVER.

Thankfully, that didn't actually happen.

But now I'm getting to the point where my clothes are fitting and I am feeling like MAMA NEEDS A NEW...EVERYTHING.

So we browsed.  I put her in the stroller and cruised around an outdoor mall when it was thirty degrees outside and we looked at clothes.  For ten whole minutes.

After that she kind of got angry and wanted to be held and I knew that our time shopping was over.  Plus, everything I tried on?  Sucked.  Look horrible.  As if I were a trying on clothes made for a yak.  THE CLOTHES WERE THAT UGLY.

(Note to self:  Gap is not a good choice for you any more.  They have not had reliably good clothes in about a decade so STOP GOING THERE.  Is a fat WASTE OF TIME and with a 3-month-old you can't be wandering around in a shop with craptastically ugly  clothes just for the hell of it.  Must learn to be a more efficient mommy-type-person.)

In the meantime I am wearing jeans, camisoles and some frumpy cardigans in a pathetic effort to keep warm even though I find myself nearly half undressed for several hours a day anyway.  (The funny things about having a baby in the winter that nobody ever tells you.  Oh, Life.  You are a HILARIOUS.)

When you're a nursing mom, your wardrobe takes on a whole new functional twist.  Clothes need to do things other than just cover you up and perform optical illusions with your midsection.  They need to be easy to take on and off to allow for easy access to the baby food. 

(All you seventh-grade boys can stop laughing now that I've said "easy access.") 

Add in some spit-up or drool and it's easy for me to go through three shirts a day.  I do not have such a vast and expansive wardrobe of camisoles and cardigans that I can actually DO that.  I wear spit-up for many hours at a time on some days.

But!  That's about to change.  I am going back to work next week where globs of baby vomit on my collar are not thought of as normal.  A lot of my old work clothes don't, well, work with this new lifestyle of mine.

So, dear sweet beloved internet, I ask you: Where are you shopping these days? 

Obviously, I fail at shopping since I have not done it correctly in almost a year.  I am going out tomorrow and Friday with the intention of buying New Work Clothes that are mom/baby/office friendly.  I want to NOT have to dry clean them.  Or iron them. (Or even have to whip them out from the dryer promptly, but maybe that's asking a bit much for anything beyond pajamas.)

I have perused my usual haunts online and I have to say that I am totally uninspired.  Ann Taylor Loft, Banana, Gap.  I have peeked at J Crew but since their online Final Sale stuff is non-returnable I'm scared to order anything. 

And after that I am, um, out of ideas for places with cute clothes that will not self-destruct in two months, but that I will also not cry about if someone spits up and ruins said article of clothing.

Where are you shopping these days?  I have Christmas money to spend.  Help me rid myself of it.

(Also, we are not even going to TALK about the size of these clothes.  Having a baby before Christmas and Thanksgiving is just CRUEL.  My eating habits are a disaster at this point.  I fail at both exercising in the cold and refraining from eating pie.  Stupid, delicious holiday pie.  BAHHHH!  I welcome January and the nation's collective try at losing weight in 2009.  Because come hell or high water I will fit into my vacation clothes when we go to Maui in April.)

(Also am in market for cute one-piece bathing suit if anyone has ideas.  I figure I'd better start early on this task.  The stretch mark fairy visited me last summer even though I most certainly did not extend her an invitation.)

(Pregnancy!  Such fun!)

Here's pretty much how I see the next 4 years going

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.  The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job.  He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed and when they came to another homeless person he decided to help.  He walked over and gave him directions to the welfare office.  He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave him fifty dollars.

*******

(Thanks to my Uncle David for sending me this political parable of sorts.  A cheap shot?  Maybe, but I laughed.)

(Also, have no energy for an original or sassy post tonight because we have had a day of Fussy Baby Who Never Stops Being FUSSY.)

(Including RIGHT NOW.  Fussiness is still happening and there appears to be NO END IN SIGHT OH MY GOD I WANT TO SLEEP.)

Is it a hurricane party if there aren't guns?

With a hurricane about to hit the state, we are getting prepared for an interesting weekend.

I called my brother in Houston to see what his plans are.  He is planning to ride out the storm about 30 miles inland at a friends house with several of his buddies.  "Don't worry," he told me.  "We've got food, water, beer and guns.  And someone brought a kayak."

Huh.  It's hard to argue with a list of basics like that.  Food and water to sustain them, beer to entertain in the hours before the storm and guns to fend off would-be looters.  Plus, a kayak!  (Although, that only fits two people so I'm not sure what the plan is for who gets to BE in the kayak should it become necessary.)

He's promised to send updates - I'm interested to see how this plan of his pans out.

Up here in Ft. Worth we're expecting some bad weather - lots of rain and wind.  I am really, really hoping that our fence doesn't blow down because that is not a problem we need to deal with in the next week.  Also, our neighbor is weird and I don't feel like dealing with him either.  (He's the same guy that mows the lawn in his bare feet.  SMART.)

The traffic in the area is horrible since so many people are driving up from Houston and I am already reluctant to leave the neighborhood.  We made sure that we have enough groceries and entertainment to last us through the weekend. 

*********

Chris wondered last night if the unusually low pressure might make the baby come this weekend.

Wouldn't that make things interesting?