are things complicated yet?

This is the story of a girl and her balloon

A few weeks ago on Claire's birthday, we went to Central Market to pick up some foodstuffs for The Big Birthday Meal.  It's this fancy pants grocery store where everything is imported, organic, sparkly, overpriced and delicious and, well, I love the place.  Claire and I go there a lot.

Central Market is one of the few places these days that keeps a hefty supply of balloons on hand for the kiddos.  You can pick one up at the door right when you walk in.  They're usually purple or green.

I had gotten her balloons before but she really hadn't paid much interest.  Mostly she'd gape wide-eyed at it while we shopped.

That all changed this weekend.

We were in Houston at a sort of fall festival type thing.  There was a car wash handing out balloons and, well, Claire really wanted one.  She ran straight towards the suckers.

She had a hard time waiting her turn.  She was #3 and she definitely didn't understand the idea that other people would get theirs first.  Another kid would get a balloon before her and she'd look at me like,

"What?  Can't they see that I want a balloon?  REALLY BADLY?  RIGHT NOW?"

 

We tied it to her hand, but she really didn't like that.

So, we put it on the stroller.  Oh, Vintage Car Wash on Louetta, THANK YOU for this wonderful and amazing balloon.  It has truly changed our lives and we will remember it forever.

That afternoon and evening?  She wouldn't let go of the stupid thing.  Chris tied it to some toy to weigh it down and she carried it all over the house.  She batted at it and threw it but she did not let it leave her sight. She giggled and grinned and just freaking LOVED that stupid balloon.

The next morning she made a beeline for it.  It was all sad and laying on the floor without the benefit of helium to make to float.  She didn't care.  She dragged it around for another few hours until it was time to go home.

After we got back from Houston that day, we ended up at Central Market for lunch.  While we were eating she saw another kid with a balloon across the restaurant.  She pointed and swiveled her head as the child with the balloon exited the room.  She clearly recognized it and wanted one.

So, OF COURSE, we got her a balloon once we were finished eating.  (Dudes, they're free.)  I am not even exaggerating when I tell you that she started dancing wildly in that buggy when she spied the balloon destined for her.  She was THRILLED BEYOND MEASURE.

One the way home Claire passed out in her car seat, still clutching her balloon.  It was so cute.

Same story once we got home: Chris tied it to a toy, she dragged it around for hours.  She was unbelievably delighted.  Soon enough though, it was time for a bath and bedtime.  Claire really likes to take a bath so when she threw a gigantic hissy fit about it, I was surprised. 

She even stood up and threw a leg over the side of the tub (a new trick for her) while clinging to me, in a wild effort to escape.  She was literally clawing at me and screaming and climbing up my body to GET OUT.

And, pray tell, what did Miss Claire need? 

Her balloon. 

In the bath tub.

OF COURSE.  HOW LOGICAL.

Let's sort through the contents of my order from Gap, shall we?

I really love my UPS man.  He's so nice and kind and SUPER efficient.  He always stops by my house on his way back to the facility to see if we're home when there's a signature required.  (Those packages are always a case of wine and, well, I think he understands that we'd like to have that in our hot little hands as soon as possible.)

Today Kevin (yeah, I know his name), dropped off the best box of fun ever.  It is a Big Box Of Banana Republic Fun!

Let's take inventory, shall we?

(Oh, wait.  Something you should know about me is that I habitually order several hundred dollars worth of clothes online and then only keep a fraction of it.  I actually visit the stores in person to decide what I am going to order ONLINE so I can try it on at home without a certain wiggly, whiny someone getting int he way of me making a good purchasing decision.  Lame?  Certainly.  But it works for me.)

(Also, I got 25% off the whole order because of some promo they were running so I was in a "the more the merrier" sort of mood.)

So.  Let's delve into the box, shall we?

***

Supersoft layering v-neck T, Color: true black

$19.50

Supersoft layering v-neck T, Color: new navy
$19.50

So, I got these shirts in navy and black with the intent of wearing them a lot after work and on the weekends.  I really love a good v-neck, it flatters my particular body type and I hate high crew necks because I always feel like I'm choking.  Plus, with 25% off they were like $14

Sailor pencil skirt

Color: true black

$49.50

I hated this skirt for unspecified reasons.  Also?  Too expensive for a dumb black skirt.  RETURN!

Knit pants

Color: red

Unit price: $12.50 $4.99

Dudes!  I love slash-through pricing on my invoice!  Look at all that cash I saved.  And, in case you didn't figure it out, these are pants for CLAIRE, not me.

 

Little pocket T

Color: strawberry

Unit price: $19.50 $9.99

For $10?  I LOVE THIS SHIRT.  It's soft, the sleeves go to mid-palm, (which I love in the winter) and it's such a bright fun color.  And also?  It looks great under this dress:

Double-knit pleated dress

Color: true black knit

Unit price: $59.50

Now, truthfully?  This dress is no great find.  It's just a stupid, black, shapeless dress that you can wear on your fattest of fat days and still be all, "But hey!  I'm wearing a dress to work so that's better than pajamas!"  Because of the empire waist, I could probably even wear this pregnant until about month 7.  So yeah, it's not that flattering.  But I have decided that dresses are my New Work Thing so I'm actively trying to find some that are simple, easy to accessorize, comfortable, non dry-clean-only and less than $100.  This fits the bill.  Sold.

Quilted barn jacket

Color light english rose

Unit price $34.50

I wanted to keep Claire warm this winter.  This is the jacket I picked.  Like the reviews on the site though, it's kind of smallish.  Will be exchanging for the next size up.  Cute coat though and after the coupon it was just as much as the ones at Target that I didn't think were nearly as cute.  I mean, this one has polka dots.  POLKA DOTS.  I cannot say no to those.

Origami sheath dress

Color Black

Unit price $142.00 $89.99

Again with the dresses for work thing.  I'm pretty short-waisted, so this dress didn't fit me correctly.  There was about 3" too much dress in the waist and it looked rather frump.  On a 3" taller person though, this dress would be super cute. RETURN!

Lightweight wool sheath dress

ColorTaupe heather

Unit price $152.00 

I knew this was more than I wanted to pay for a dress, but I just thought it was so cute on the model.  (Note to self:  YOU ARE NOT A MODEL.)  I even looked for it in-store to try on so I could avoid ordering a $152 dress.  But my local Banana was out of them, which made me think that maybe it might be a totally awesome dress since it was all sold out.  It's not.  The pleats are all retarded and look stupid.  RETURN!

Long-sleeve turtleneck sweater

Color Black

Unit price $59.50

They had this sweater under the dress above and really it was SO cute.  So I tried it.  And it looked stupid on me.  And this sweater is soft and nice but it hits me on the hip weird and makes me look fat so, no.  RETURN!

Eliza slouch high-heel boot

Color Black suede

Unit price $198

I only ordered these boots because after I was in San Francisco this summer and I saw EVERYONE wearing sassy boots I decided that I was woefully behind the times and I needed some sassy boots.  I also hate department stores, don't have time to drive 30 minutes to one and back to try on boots so I figured I needed to order SOME boots to try on and at least see if this was a trend I was interested in.

I AM INTERESTED.  I love these boots.  They have a too-high heel, the suede is totally impractical, they cost too much ($150 after my coupon...but still), you can't wear them in the rain, blah, blah, a thousand reasons to return them and....I can't.  I'm keeping them.  This is my splurge purchase of the season after a year and a half of not buying anything except maternity clothes, cheapie post-partum clothes I hated and pajamas. I'm keeping the damn boots.

I know I could probably find them elsewhere, at better quality for maybe the same price or less.  But, to be honest, I don't have time for that.  If I shopped around I'd be without boots until February.  That wouldn't be any fun.

***

Thus concludes the adventure with Banana Republic and Gap today.  Where are YOU shopping lately? Any finds?  I am discovering that I hate a lot of what's for sale this season, which is frustrating when I DO find ten minutes to dart into a store on my own.

I call this one "Potpourri"

Tonight, I am going to hit the "publish" button.  I SWEAR.

I have written so many posts in the past few weeks that sit unfinished in my drafts folder.  SO MANY.  All the while things keep happening and I keep not writing about them.  Every time I sit down it's easier to read things other people write instead of bothering to write my own.

Claire is walking.  It started last Saturday with onesie-twosie steps, progressed to three-four steps at a time on Tuesday and today (Thursday) it's 15 or 20 in a row.  She's even mastered the art of CHANGING DIRECTION.  Seeing my daughter freaking WALK across the kitchen blows my mind like nothing else.

I remember one day, a long time ago, when I could put her on a blanket, leave the room and she'd be in the exact same place I left her.  No more, my friends.  NO MORE.  As Manda told me, it's GAME OVER now.

Enter the Tot Lok.  We have not childproofed, uh, anything at all really.  There are poisons in the cabinets under the sink.  There are sharp Cuisinart blades in another one.  And all kinds of baby-killing chemicals in the bathroom cabinets.  It hasn't occurred to Claire yet that cabinets open and fun things might be hiding inside, so we haven't been too worried.  (Obviously, I know that she could decide to scamper in there at any moment, so we've been pretty watchful.)

Sure, I could just move the baby-killing things to another location but we are severely space-challenged in this badly designed home with NO CLOSETS.  There is quite literally no place to put unwanted, baby killing items.  Everything must stay where it already lives.  Even if it IS a baby-killing item, we still have to clean bath tubs and toilets and wash dishes around here.

I bought some magnetic door closer thingys called Tot Loks because my friend Becky told me they were great and they had the most Amazon reviews that seemed credible.  If the past week is any indication of Claire's capacity to learn new things I think we need to get these suckers on the door STAT.  All the reviews at Amazon also said they were a total pain in the ass to install so this is totally going to be a job for Chris.  Everyone wish him luck, Amazon says he'll need it.

So, next up is Blurb.  Have you all used the new Blurb?  It is kind of amazing.  It's basically a super simple desktop publishing program a la Quark for all you 90's yearbook folks.  You can change text and image box sizes and it's all fancy and high-end with their magazine-style layouts.  I'd ordered a small book last year to check out the quality and it was nice.  I looked at a LOT of these sites like mypublisher, books from shutterfly, etc and this was the only one that was acceptable to me.  Everything else was kind of cheap-o or had marginal print quality.

Actually, it was beyond acceptable, it was really nice.  And people, I AM DISCRIMINATING.  My day-job is to meticulously analyze print quality and color replication and Blurb?  Their books were great.  I didn't have to have PhotoShop or InDesign (or, even know how to USE those programs) to get it done nicely.  LOVE.  I am totally out of the business of paper scrapbooking and I am all digital now.  No more 4 x 6 prints.  No more doodads and glue and paper scraps.  No more...anything messy at all really.  HOORAY!

I put together an entire album for 2008 in three evenings.  THREE EVENINGS.  DONE!  This is the internet at work folks, in all its glory and awesomeness.  I am so glad that I was not born in pioneer days.  I would have made a terrible pioneer lady what with all the dirt and camping and no Mac Books.  *Shudder.  CAMPING.*

We have decided that Jake is getting old.  I know, huge surprise for a dog that's 13, right?  Well, over the past year he has just been more underfoot and in the way and generally far more annoying.  At first we chalked it up to Baby.  We're not looking out for him as much anymore, we're all a little more stressed, he's a little more needy these days, Claire always has food to toss at him so WHY NOT hang out as close as possible?

But over the past few months it's gotten really bad.  Like, I'll go across the kitchen, put something away and as I turn around Jake is RIGHT THERE and his response time to move back out of the way is delayed by about 5 seconds, so I trip on him. And then I feel bad because I just stepped on the dog and we don't ever take him for a walk any more because he gets tangled in the stroller and LAWSY MERCY we are bad dog parents I love you Jake here's a treat good boy now go away I have to put the baby to bed and your tags jingle so you have to leave the room.

I keep thinking about The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which I watched last night, and how the baby dying at the end really disturbs me.  Seriously, I have not been able to stop thinking about it all day.  I just...really don't like it when babies die in the movies.  Even if they are 80-year old reverse aging Brad Pitt babies.  It was just sad.

The girl who baby sat for Claire two weeks ago got in a car accident last week.  She was driving along, minding her own business when a 16-year-old girl on a bicycle came out of freaking NOWHERE into the road and, well, the babysitter hit her.  The girl rolled up over the hood and cracked her windshield.  Babysitter was totally freaked out, did the 911 thing...turns out the girl has a broken leg but is otherwise OK.  The cops cited the girl for whatever amounts to jaywalking with a bike and getting hit by a car because you are STUPID.  Babysitter is not at fault whatsoever.

So, it's clearly not her fault, right?  But she still has to pay the deductible to get her windshield replaced even though she didn't do anything wrong.  And she's worried that the parents are going to sue her (for what, I have no clue, but you know, everyone wants to sue you so it's a legit concern).  Stuff like this really pisses me off.  I mean, it's so not Babysitter's fault that this stupid girl didn't look both ways before she crossed the road and now she's having to deal with all this crap when really?  The girl and her parents should be all, "Babysitter, we are SO GLAD everyone is ok.  Accidents happen.  Let us pay for your windshield and maybe give you some money for your trouble.  We are sorry our daughter was stupid."  I just really get annoyed when people are stupid, don't own up to it and try to blame someone else.

Sounds like that time someone rear-ended us ON PURPOSE and then Chris got slapped, RIGHT?  ARGH.

The end.  I mean, PUBLISH.

7 quick takes - If I post this in the next 5 minutes I can still get it in on Friday

So, several interesting things in the past week:

1.  My great grandmother passed away.  Thank you so much to all who expressed condolences.  She was 96, had lived a wonderful life and the last few years were difficult for her.  I think Maggie put it best - that even though SHE was ready that didn't mean the rest of us were.

We sat in the back of the smallish church and Chris took Claire to the back when she started babbling happily.  Her tiny squeaks could be heard throughout the service and I fretted abut whether my relatives would be annoyed that she was sort of interrupting poignant moments.  Then I decided that I didn't care - she was MY great grandmother after all and I have a baby and SHE is her great great grand daughter and we have a right to be here and SO WHAT BABIES TALK.  BITE ME.  I was sort of spooled up.

After the service everyone came up to me and said how much they enjoyed her talking.  They said it was nice to have a baby around again.  They said how much they thought it meant to my Grammie that she lived to see her great great grand daughter.  How proud she would be.  How they thought the future of our family was so exciting and how perfectly gorgeous our baby Claire is.

I have a nice family like that. 

2.  Funerals are just not my thing.  I've slowly discovered this about myself over the years but I am just not into community grief.  I do not express my grief well within a group and I do not enjoy the hours upon hours of sadness in a closed space.  I am much more private and I actually feel GUILTY about saying things like, "I really miss her," because I feel like I'm bringing the party down. 

Even though I AM AT A FUNERAL.  Clearly, I have a major hostess complex. 

3. Speaking of not being a downer -- when I die a long, long, LONG time from now, I want there to be an open bar.  And balloons.  And canapes.  And a band.  And maybe some fireworks if there's not a burn ban.  They could spell, "A'Dell Rocked This Life" in the sky. 

4.  When we were at the cemetery there was a headstone for a person who is not yet deceased that was a giant chunk of polished, pink granite.  It had the person's name in it and a big rifle above the name.  Like, a BIG, spanning-from-left-to-right, at least 4-feet wide rifle.  It was kind of awesome because it meant that the dude had picked it himself. 

We wondered what he had been thinking.  Maybe, "When I die, I love my rifle so much I want EVERYONE who cruises by to know that I LIKED HUNTING."

My brother thought that maybe he didn't like hunting at all and just wanted everyone to think that he was a bad ass.  Mission accomplished.  My brother then mused that he might want crossed pistols on his headstone for similar reasons.

Only in Texas.

5.  The girls who watch Claire at daycare asked me today where I shop because I "always have the cutest outfits on."  I was shocked and immediately wondered what I was being buttered up for.  You see, I shop at the "I had a baby a long time ago but lots of my clothes still don't fit so I wear random shit and call them Outfits" store.  Most days I really hate what I'm wearing.

After a few hours though, I realized that maybe they meant that out of alllllll the Moms they see in that place, I am one of the more decently and stylishly dressed ones?  Which, I am not sure how that is possible but....okaaaayyyyy.  I'll take a win here.

6.  I am going to Cancun in a week.  A WEEK!  And you guys, instead of a packing list for ME I have a list of things to pack for Claire.  And (this is so lame) A LIST OF LISTS that I have to make about Claire to give to my Mom so she will have every iota of information and insight I can gather into a spreadsheet format.

Never mind that my Mom is smart and raised two normal kids of her own and it's only 5 days.  No.  I will overload her with paperwork, schedules and binkys and still flip out if Claire so much as whimpers while I'm gone.

Crap.  I am really going to miss her.

7.  I finally purchased my plane ticket for The Blathering.  WOO!

7 quick takes

1.  Back when I was pregnant and had gobs of free time (FREE TIME, HOW I MISS THEE) I got super industrious with Claire's baby book.  I had every stinking part of pregnancy documented before she was born and now that the baby, the main topic, is here I haven't touched it again.  I haven't even been very good at keeping track of interesting dates and milestones.

Part of it is that I am just so darn grateful to get through every day. I don't have time to worry about the past or future.  I am very focused on the present right now.

I am grateful when Claire only wakes up once in the middle of the night.  I am grateful when she sleeps in past 5.  I am grateful when she plays happily on the floor while I get dressed.  I am grateful when I get tasks accomplished at work and can go home with a clear brain.  I am grateful for the 4 hours I get with Claire in the afternoons before she conks out at 7.  I am grateful that I get my family fed, cleaned up and to bed every night without major incident or trauma.

And after all of that?  I have no time for stupid baby books.  Maybe I'll finish it when she goes to college.  The baby book can bite me.

2.  I'm going to make cookies tonight.  M&M cookies.  All that recall talk has my brain thinking, "cooookayyyys."  And yes, I WILL be eating some of the batter.  I'm dangerous like that.

3.  My mother in law regularly sends me various flavors of LUSH bath bombs and I love her so very much for this.  Before I had a baby I was not a bath person.  Sure, I enjoyed a bath every once in a while but I was by no means A Bath Kind Of Girl.

I am now.  And I REALLY AM now that I know about LUSH bath bombs and they keep showing up for free.  There is something fantastic about sitting in a steamy, yummy smelling room with the door closed and having some personal quiet time that relaxes me completely.

(Also, doing squats with my new 20 pound free weight makes my knees and back hurt sometimes and hot water is nice for that.)

Last time she sent a Vanilla Fountain.  LOVE.

4. Claire is crawling.  Quickly.  She is so fast it makes my heart skip a beat.  She is pulling up on everything in sight and suddenly my home is a giant death trap full of poison. 

I look at her and she's not a baby any more.  They moved her to the Toddler room at day care.  Every day when I check her in it says, "Claire/Toddler."  Every day I look at it and think they have made a mistake.  My baby is not a toddler!

5.  Who does North Korea think they are anyway?  Do they really think they're going to come out on top if they start sending missiles to Hawaii?  How do they see that situation ending favorably??  I truly don't think they've thought this one through.  They have only a few maybe-functioning missiles and we have...A LOT MORE THAN THAT.

6.  The Jonas Brothers live like, 5 miles from me and I keep expecting to see them at the grocery store since they are playing a concert tonight in town.  I've been looking for them at Starbucks, at restaurants, at shops and at stoplights.  All week I've been ready with my iPhone to snap a picture.  And no Jonas Brothers.  It would appear that my potential brush with celebrity this week is a bust.

7.  I am so lame I am posting this on Saturday.  Again. 

7 quick takes - one day late, but I was hiding in a closet from a tornado so I think it's okay

1.  Claire found her "MMMMM" sound.  At first she was just saying "mmmmm" after every bite, which was pretty funny on its own.  Next day she began with the,

"Ma!  MAAAAA!  MMMMMMMMAAAAAA!  Mama!  Mama! MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA!!!"

It's pretty much the best fake-word I've ever heard.

She definitely doesn't know what it means, but I really don't care.  My heart lights up with neon every time she says it.  Since she has just discovered this new sound, right now it's her favorite and we hear it a lot. 

2.  I bought a giant bag of baby clothes yesterday at the Gymboree and Carter's outlet for less than $50.  All 18 - 24 month stuff for next summer and not a single item cost more than $4.  Then I wanted to go to the Ann Taylor Loft outlet (which was curiously enough in-between Carter's and Gymboree) and just then, at that EXACT moment when I saw the $9.99 rack, she threw a huge fit about being in the stroller.  Instead of torturing everyone within earshot I elected to leave and call it a day.  I think I deserve a prize for that.  Or maybe some jewelry.

3.  We are in Austin with my parents this weekend and we're going to spend the day at the lake.  That means that I have to wear a bathing suit and for the first time in a LONG time I am not breaking out in hives when I think about that.  Instead I am freaking out that it will be almost 100 degrees. 

4.  I am typing this on a Dell and not my MacBook and every three seconds I try and do something with the mousepad that this computer doesn't do and I think, "Damn, this Dell sucks.  I wish I'd brought my MacBook."

Last week Chris bought me a 24" monitor that he found on super-amazing sale at one of his geeky/nerdy websites.  I didn't think I really needed it, but he assured me that once I had it on my desk I would definitely want it.

As always he was right.  I can't peel myself away.  It makes photo and video editing SO much easier when I have some actual real estate to work with.  It's also shiny and pretty, which appeals to my inner magpie.

5.  I gave away about 75% of my wardrobe two weeks ago.  Seriously, I only own about 30 articles of clothing now.  I discarded things that were tired, worn out, stained or broken.  Sometimes that was tough since the items that were the most worn-out were the ones I loved the most.  But even though I loved my red linen sun dress, the strap was broken and the red had faded to pink.  I hadn't worn it in 4 years and I bravely put it in the "toss" pile.

Then I ditched anything more than 5 years old or stuff that no longer fits with my new Mommy-lifestyle.  (Such as a very, very short skirt that I wore with hesitation even when I was 23.  There is no reason for me to hang onto that one.)  I tossed socks, underwear, pajamas and about 8 bathing suits (two were from 1997). 

When I was finished three hours later, I had the neatest and tidiest closet I've ever owned.  Everything fits, looks good on me and I actually wear it.  I don't look at my closet any more and feel bad about myself for not being able to fit into jeans that I wore when I was 20. 

I have changed, my body has changed and now, freaking finally, my closet has changed.

(I also gave myself permission to buy whatever I want to help replenish stock.  Of course, I hate everything for sale this summer.  FIGURES.)

6. So, about those tornadoes.  Friday AND Saturday night (in Ft. Worth Friday and Austin on Saturday) I was hiding in the closet with the baby, a flashlight and blankets over us.  Both times we were right where "areas of rotation and tornadic activity" were being discussed on TV.  Both times we were within hundreds of yards of where spotters confirmed a tornado had been sighted.  

In twelve years of living in Texas I have never had to hide in the closet from a tornado and now, twice in a week?  My grandmother called and asked if we would be spending the night in Oklahoma on Friday so we could make it a hat trick.

7.  My hair stopped falling out.  YAY!

Wow. You all have strong feelings about cats.

I think what I'm most surprised about is that nobody was sympathetic towards the cats.  Nobody said that the poor kitties just needed a home and some love or some other crap like that.

Nope.  You were quick with the corporal punishment suggestions.  A part of me was always kind of reluctant to go that direction -would that be cruel or are they just hungry little kitties desperate for a meal?

But really - they are STRAY CATS.  FERAL even.  They are a NUISANCE.  And did you forget that they are PEEING ON MY HOUSE?

Yes.  A weapon is totally appropriate to utilize in this situation.

(The garden hose suggestions were thoughtful but since there's not a hose in my kitchen it would be tough to fly out the door, run 'round the corner of the house, turn on the hose, drag it back around the corner and THEN tag the cats.  They'd be long gone by then.  Garden hose would definitely not work in this situation.)

But a pellet gun!  That could work!  I also liked Rollo's suggestion that involved trapping the cats, threatening any owners (if there are any) and a mystery step that resulted in profit.  It would only be made better by Manda's idea to add in a round of beer drinking.

If there's anything living in Texas has taught me it's that firearms and beer absolutely go together.  Truly.  One cannot happily exist without the other.  The idea seems to be:

Gotta take care of some cats?  Grab your pellet gun and a Shiner Bock.  Success will surely follow.

We don't own a pellet gun, but I think we're going to borrow one and keep it by the door.  I'm going to clean off the grill cover and hose down the front door and see if I can get all the scent gone so we can start over.  And by "start over" I mean "lie in wait to tag the cats with the pellet gun."

These cats are so toast.

What's the first rule of Cat Fight Club?

First it was geckos.  Now it seems that we have a cat problem.

To be clear, I like cats.  I had a cat once.  I think cats are kind of nice in a standoffish, "you do your thing and I'll do mine" kind of way.  Chris is allergic to cats though so we'll probably always be a dog family. 

Lately it seems like every cat in the neighborhood has been gathering in our backyard about 11pm for what I'm calling Cat Fight Club.  I don't know what the deal is about our backyard, but the cats are going AT IT every night, all night and they've been doing it for about three weeks.

Of course, our vicious, cat-hating guard dog sleeps right through all of it - not even batting an eye.

I'm not really sure what to do about this.  It's obvious that this is some very angry, clawy, hissy, fur-flying cat fighting.  It's not the sort of thing you walk in the middle of in your pajamas and say something stern in your Mom Voice to make them quit.  I mean, they'd likely shred me to bits.

We're kind of perplexed as to what to do about Cat Fight Club.  It wakes us up every night, and since sleep is a pretty precious commodity around here, Cat Fight Club has got to end.

There's also the problem of the cats, um, peeing all over our front door.  Several times Chris has gone out there and said, "It smells like CAT PEE out here.  UGHHHHHH."  And if you have a cat then you KNOW that cat pee has a very distinctive smell and it's not a good one.

The cats also do this other thing that is so gross.  When we use the grill (which is often) Chris leaves it open to cool while we're eating before covering it and putting it away for the night.

The cats get ON THE GRILL and LICK THE GRATES.  They walk around my food preparatory surface with their dirty, surely diseased paws and LICK the place where my food is cooked.

I mean, gross.  BEYOND gross.  And then, to add insult to injury, the cats pee on the grill cover overnight.  As if they're laying claim to the grill and it's meaty dripping goodness that lies within.

Cat Fight Club seems to be causing the cats to pee all over my residence.  And I am not cool with this.

Any suggestions on what to do about them?  I mean, besides getting out my .22.  I am within city limits folks. 

The most interesting part of my day had to do with lard.

I am understanding what people mean when they say that as soon as you think you have your kid figured out they go and change the game on you and you have to start all over again.

Claire used to need a lot of soothing to go to sleep.  You know - walking, bouncing rocking, shushing.  But her new trick is that she gets really, really angry, then you wrap her up tight in a blanket and give her a bink and she shuts her eyes immediately and goes to sleep.  For several hours.

Really, it's quite impressive.

She's been doing it for about a week now and I'm starting to think that our time is likely running out on this party trick.  For the moment though, we're enjoying it.  Everyone is sleeping more.

EXCEPT that is, when a neighbor's house alarm goes off for THIRTY SIX HOURS STRAIGHT.  I first noticed it in the evening on Monday - that familiar WOOP WOOP WOOP.  I didn't think much of it until I noticed it was still going off several hours later when I went to bed at about 10.  But since the house was behind us and down a few doors it wasn't all that loud.  I figured the folks who actually lived adjacent to it were calling the right people to have it taken care of. 

At 3 it was still going off.  And again at 6.  And then all morning. 

I called the cops.  (The non-emergency line.  Which everyone should have in her mobile phone.  Comes in very handy to report things like long-term parking violations of the Cousin Eddie Recreational Vehicle kind that just trash up the 'hood.)

Anyway, I was really impressed when the officer sent to check it out called me back to update me!  I mean, what fine service the Ft. Worth PD has!  He said it was a vacant house (Stupid economy!  Messin' up our peaceful nights!) and they were trying to figure out how to shut it off.  He did not say so but I assume nobody was dead/dying inside.  (Were you thinking that too?)

8 hours after that the alarm stopped. 

And lo, there was peace in the suburbs.

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That Pottery Barn Kids drama just keeps on rolling.  I ordered a Santa bag with Claire's name on it and when it arrived the embroidery work was all screwed up.  So they said they'd send me another one.

I got it a few days ago and the bag looks great.  Except there's no name on it. 

So they're sending me another one.  A third one.  Presumably, with her name on it.

3 Santa bags for the price of one plus two "Claire's First Christmas" stockings.  What a deal!

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Today I bought some lard.  It kind of weirded me out.  I have never purchased rendered animal fat before.  It was shelf stable, which makes my face curl up into a quizzical expression just like shelf stable milk does.  As a concept, I do not understand how either are possible.

I bought it for a tamale recipe I want to try.  Oddly enough, the recipe is from Cooking Light.

Do they know that they published a recipe that calls for lard?  I mean, do they know what lard is?  And that it's not light?  At all?

On the new James Bond movie, "Quantum of Solace" (SPOILER ALERT)

Could this movie have been more lame?  No gadgets and only two hot chicks?  Hello, that is the entire reason people love James Bond movies.  Gadgets!  Hot chicks!

The villain was also total pansy with his eco-happy company and his international plot to...steal water??!?!  What happened to world domination or nuclear missiles or I don't know, SOMETHING BETTER AND MORE DRAMATIC?!?!

This movie was also not "pretty" in the way Casino Royale was.  It was less visually attractive because it was shot in a desert and in a third world country.  No offense to third world countries but ya'll can't compete with the Monte Carlo's of the world.  You know, less glitz.  Fewer sequins.  (And a thorough lack of hot chicks.)

There was also a lot of "let's beat the shit out of Daniel Craig" going on.  Sure there was a car chase scene and a part where he flies a DC-3 like a fighter jet (not really buying that, but whatever) but other than that it felt like a boxing match in low light.  WITH NO GADGETS OR HOT CHICKS.  (In other words, totally un James Bond-like.)

To top it off, the CIA and their "whatev" attitude towards the known pansy-eco-hippie-villain was just dumb.  They added nothing to the plot except more opportunities to beat the crap out of Daniel Craig.

And at the end I didn't even know what "Quantum of Solace" even meant.  I still don't! (Can anyone help me out on that one?) What does that have to do with stealing water and a hot Bolivian chick?  It was just retarded.  Overall I found Daniel Craig to be quite yummy but the rest of the movie was blah.  Not even planning to buy on DVD. 

The higlight was the previews - that 4 Christmases movie looks pretty damn funny.