About the babysitter

So, we don't have a babysitter.

(Perhaps this should be titled, "About the complete LACK of babysitter.)

This means we don't ever go out, just the two of us, unless we are visiting a set of grandparents. We're lucky to have two sets of overly-enthusiastic-about-babysitting grandparents that live close by, but they're still several hours away. Nice as that is, it only happens a few times a year. Date night is not something we enjoy on the regular. (Although, I do hear date night CAN get boring after a while.)

This sounds terrible, doesn't it? It sounds like we're cooped up in the house, bemoaning our lack of social life and time without children, going a modern version of domestic crazy. Except...that's not really what's going on. See, we're not that popular. We don't get invited to a lot of cool places or neat parties. In fact, we only get invited to cool places or neat parties when our children are the guests and we're just the tag along parents. A super fun, no-kids-allowed invitation graces my inbox...perhaps twice a year. In the past 12-months I had to say no to an out-of-town wedding and a hockey game. See? Just two things.

We are missing things we like to do by ourselves: concerts and sporting events, movies, fancy dinners with $10 slices of chocolate cake. Fortunately, these are all things we can easily do in other cities so, like I've said, it's not really a big deal to me that we don't have a babysitter. In fact, I hardly ever think about it. We seem to keep pretty busy.

I would probably keel over from happiness if a set of grandparents moved in across the street from us, like in Everybody Loves Raymond. No, really, I would be OVERJOYED. All of you people that have one (or two!) sets of grandparents in town? I am so jealous. If your grandparent has a regular, standing babysitting date with your kids? EVEN MORE JEALOUS.

And yet, I recognize this is a very temporary stage of life with two very young children and once they're older and can basically run things themselves and tattle on a weird babysitter and know when to say HELL TO THE NO, then we'll find someone that can make sure they don't kill each other while we're out watching Downton Abbey: The Movie sometime in 2016. (WHAT? A GIRL CAN DREAM.) Or, maybe a great babysitter will fall in our laps in between now and then and the problem will solve itself.

Anyway, "Get A Babysitter" is not really high on my list of things to do.

Chris has been maneuvering to change this. He's been emailing me not-so-subtle pictures of the bulletin board at the community center, with ads for high school girls looking for babysitting jobs and he's brought up things he'd like to do (that I'd like to do, too!) but then I give him a look and it says, "Um, we gots no babysitter, dude. Did you forget that part?" And then he says something ground-breaking like, "BUT WE COULD GET ONE AND THEN WE COULD BE FREEEEEEEEE." After all, he is a normal person and he would like to spend time with his wife without someone whining about Cheerios and making his ears bleed. I understand this. I want these things too.

But, man. Finding a babysitter sounds like the worst task EVER.

Ideally, our babysitter would be a high school age girl that is nerdy enough to not have a boyfriend or be so popular that she's never available on the weekends. She would be smart, Red Cross certified in a number of things, live close by so I don't have to go get her and drop her off, and be trustworthy beyond belief. To be truly perfect, she would be the daughter of a close friend so that I have an idea of what kind of family she has, her values, and the ever-present knowledge that if she screws something up I KNOW HER MOTHER.

(In other words, she would be ME at age 16. I made thousands of dollars babysitting when I was a high schooler. I vacuumed and did dishes. I was very popular with parents.)

I live in the suburbs, so you'd think I would know a boatload of families that meet this criteria. But, remember, we're not that popular. I actually don't know a single teenager or young college/first-job aged adult that I'd trust to spend time, unsupervised, with my children. Well, I take that back. I have exactly TWO relatives in the Dallas-Ft Worth area that I'd let watch my kids. One is my brother-in-law (he's watched Claire before, is very good with her, trust him 100% to call 911 at the appropriate moment) and the other is my first cousin (I'm not entirely sure he has any babysitting experience but he's a solid guy and in a pinch I'm sure he could play trains for two hours).

They both live really far across town and have their own social lives and I suspect babysitting is not super high on the list of Fun Friday Night Stuff! for them. (They would probably rather go to the bar on weekends. I sure did when I was their age.) Also, Jennie watched the girls once last December so we could go to a Christmas party and that might be one of the top-five nicest things anyone has ever done for me. But other than that, NADA.

***

Last fall the entire Penn State situation made me realize there was another reason I was ho-hum about babysitters. Because we lack an already-existing trustworthy person, trying to find some STRANGER just for the sake of a dinner out seems...really stupid. Yes, yes, I know about background checks and references and all of that but another adult in my house, alone with my kids? An adult that I am "trying out?" I cannot wrap my brain around that to think it's something I'd be comfortable with.

(This is one reason I never pursued a nanny for Claire while I was working. I very much like the idea of accountability that you get in a group setting.) (Although, it could be argued that's what the Penn State parents thought they were sending their kids off to so you're damned all the way around on this one. Let's just go live in the closet with some rations for the rest of our lives and stay safe together, away from the horrible, cruel, awful world.)

In theory, I love the idea of paying someone to watch my kids while I hit the town with my husband. But I am not going to leave my kids with just ANYONE. The idea of calling one of these high school girls and "trying her out!" sounds kind of odd. I mean, how does one "try out" a babysitter? How does one evaluate a randomy person with basic algebra skills to see if you trust her with your children? This doesn't seem like a very good idea, even if the only trauma that happens is to me from wondering WHAT IS GOING ON BACK AT THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW? IS SHE SMOKING POT? IS SHE TEACHING HER HOW TO THROW UP OR CUT HERSELF? IS SHE TALKING ABOUT THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FAT? IS SHE TALKING ABOUT MONSTERS THAT LIVE UNDER BEDS? CLAIRE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT MONSTERS UNDER THE BED.

Because whoa, beyond physical or sexual abuse (AWFUL-AWFUL-AWFUL TO THINK ABOUT) there are a LOT of subtle and direct ways to poison a kid's brain and in an isolated setting WHO KNOWS what words are being traded. The most likely truth is that just trains or blocks or endless episodes of Sid the Science Kid is what would be happening at the house. But Claire (and certainly Charlotte) are still young enough that they don't quite know the difference between right and wrong and what adults are supposed to do/not do. It is SO AWFUL to have to think about these things as a parent but, well, I have to. I do.

Possibly an extreme and needlessly panicky place to mentally live? Maybe. But, it's where my brain lives on this topic and I find that I'm pretty inflexible on it.

Claire is still young enough that I filter quite a bit. She is so impressionable at age three. She will believe, literally, ANYTHING an adult tells her. I tell her the truth (most of the time) but some topics just aren't brought up to my three-year-old. I still remember the time some adults told me in graphic detail about Jesus' crucifixion when I was in kindergarten. The idea of NAILS in a HAND was so horrible and gruesome to me that looking at an image of the crucifixion, for years, brought to mind questions of,

"Why on earth would someone DO that? It doesn't even make SENSE. And it's so GROSS. This is so weird. This whole this so, so weird."

I'm not saying that person ruined religion for me, but it was certainly a topic that I hadn't been prepped for and with no follow-up or context (and how would my parents have known to follow up!?) my imagination ran kind of wild for a few years on that one. 

So, things like that: age appropriate and inappropriate conversations, actions, television shows, questions about the meaning of life, ETCETERA. 

I suppose the biggest reason I ignore my husband's questions about finding a babysitter is that I don't really want one, for dark and ugly reasons I've seen happen to other children on television. I know I can't keep her in a bubble forever, and it's not my intention to. She goes to preschool, she's been in daycare, she will continue to go places and see people and I will leave her in trustworthy places. She has been and will continue to be influenced by other people. But not alone, in my home, by someone I don't really know all that well.

The safest thing seems to be...not hiring a babysitter until someone trustworthy comes along. And, yeah, I KNOW that even people who are seen as trustworthy might still be weird or crazy or abusive (and they always say those people are the most likely to abuse, I KNOW) but there is only so much screening a person can do. A trustworthy person seems like a better place to start than "Stranger On A Bulletin Board With Nothing To Lose."

If I had a regular need for a babysitter I might be more inclined to follow through on a search. If, say, I had someone come to the house every Tuesday and Thursday for a few hours and then maybe I wanted to be able to call her on some weekends? Then that feels like more of a relationship to be had and she could watch the kids while I'm here at first, while we get to know her. But to randomly try and find someone for random nights? I just don't think I can do that right now.

Comments

[morgan s.]

I understand your fears. Some suggestions? Maybe trade nights with some of these families that invite you to the awesome kid parties? Bonus that it would be FREE.

Another option is some of the teachers at Claire's preschool babysit on the nights and weekends for extra money. We have gone down that path and it has been great. We have no family within 1,000 miles. We RARELY get out. And when we do, it is because we hired the daycare ladies from the girls lovely school. They like the children THAT MUCH that they even take them on in the evening.

Option 3 - some kind of morning trade with another stay-at-home mom? You and Chris could go to a late breakfast and then he heads to work at 10:30 or something? Blake and I have done that a few times - take the girls to daycare and then go to a nice breakfast. It is SHOCKINGLY luxurious. And easy on the ol' pocketbook. Drinks, appetizers and dessert are not common on the breakfast tab. And you enjoy peace! And maybe read the paper! And sip your coffee! And have bacon?

[Kristina]

Oh, I so totally get this and am coming out of lurker-dom to comment. Having had my kids in daycare, in-home daycares, and a nanny, I TOTALLY get this. And I've found that the way I'm most comfortable leaving my kids is when I can observe the people with my child first - where we all play together for a bit and then they leave. And then, I'll leave the kids with them for a short time - for me to get a haircut, or run to the doctor or something that takes about an hour, MAYBE two - sometimes, even when I'm in the house, cleaning the basement or something where I'm right there. I usually do that a couple of times. Then, if the kids are still alive and seem to be safe and well cared for, I consider leaving them for things like nights out. I haven't (cross my fingers) ever had a problem. It's just so scary to be a parent and leave your kids with someone other than family ... but it's also nice to get away.

[A'Dell]

Morgan, all good ideas that are dead in the water for us.

Her preschool teachers are other moms and I am pretty sure they don't want to trade (and I don't want to ask, we are not super close.)

The other families that we hang with all live about 15-20 miles away and it seems like a huge imposition to ask one of them to come over. Also, I am selfish and I don't want to watch their kids on the regular in a trade situation. I mean, then *I* have to give up a weekend night. (I like their kids! I just prefer to stay home with MY family.)

I also don't know any SAHMs in my neighborhood to trade a morning with. I KNOW. This is totally all my own anti-social fault, but I don't. So another mom would just be another stranger. (To my credit, we have only lived here for not-quite two years.)

Obviously these are all good ideas if I was motivated enough to go out on the town in the first place, but the cost/benefit just isn't there for me.

I AM A HOPELESS CASE.

[Rachel]

All great suggestions above! We have done the daycare teacher route too. We had the same exact fears, but recently we found a high school girl in the neighborhood who comes once a week off the bus and watches the kids for 2 hours while I am upstairs working/ resting. She is the most amazing teenager I have met and want to seriously ask her parents how they did it. It helps that my 5 yr d can tell me everything that goes on and i can hear from upstairs. She is completely engaged and super fun. We love
her so much we have left her twice to go out to dinner with no concerns. When my daughter said that instead of "you are my sunshine" before
bed for my son she sang "you are my cooper" I think I loved her even more. Anyway, my point is there are still good teenagers out there and she has been one of the best things for our family (even though we have family
around sometimes we dont want to ask).

[Salome Ellen]

To "test drive" a babysitter, hire them first to come over and play with the kids IN YOUR SIGHT while you cook-something-hands-on/paint a wall/surf-the-web-but-look-like-you're-"working". If that works out well, do a re-do where the kids are out of your sight for short periods (maybe you do yard work but keep popping in for a glass of water or a hair tie or something.) Then a short leave-alone while you hit the grocery store for a couple of items and grab a coffee. By this time you should have a pretty good sense of whether this is someone you could leave them with for an evening.

[Kimberly]

Yes! This sounds EXACTLY like my family. And honestly? I don't really care. I'm a homebody, and so is my husband. And we're cheap. Babysitters around here (college aged girls) charge $10/hour, which makes a dinner and movie out even more expensive...and Netflix works just fine for us.

[Kate]

Man, I know some girls who would be PERFECT (and OH, you would love them) except for the fact that they live in Frisco.

I have no idea what Jeff and I will do as far as babysitting once Tyrant is actually here. Probably beg and plead my sister and his brother to drive an hour up here? Or just never go out. That seems more likely.

[rachelbpg]

My MIL is in fort worth and takes the little one once a week. Wanna borrow her? Please.

[Holly]

Since Bert is a HS teacher, you'd think he'd have tons of possibilities - but HELLS no. We're not having any of those girls over, whether they're AP students headed to Yale or not. In this world of social media, I'd be so freaked they'd be posting our address or photos of our house, weak spots for break-ins.

I have lots of PhD-student friends that always offer to sit, but they never accept any money ("I just LOVE Clara!? How could I charge?! You're my FRIEND!") Which translates into - now I feel super guilty and can't ask them when we just want to go out to dinner or something 'silly'.

So, we have Netflix. And all the local carry-out menus in the cupboard. Done and done.

[Meghan]

We're lucky that my mom is close by and watches the girls. I just started going back to work once a week and had to find a sitter and it was SO stressful. I interviewed waaaaay too many people but knew the right person instantly. She was me at 20. It's hard though. If I hadnt gotten this new work thing I certainly wouldn't have bothered, for all the reasons you mention. It's scary to leave your babies. I do have neighbors drop stuff off or otherwise check in. And S tells me every single thing the sitter does that she thinks is wrong (like not giving her a time out when she hits or cutting the baby's food too small). Of course, I tell myself all this so I don't feel too guilty...it's so hard

[megan]

Both of our families live hundreds of miles away so I feel your pain. And when they visit, I want to be spending time with them or catching up on sleep, not running out to dinner where I will realize HOW tired I actually am. We hardly ever get sitters either, mostly for things we have to go to that are not fun - like hubs coworkers weddings (on our ANNIVERSARY). For our actual anniversary, we had lunch during the work day - wooo hoo!

Anyhow, I am lucky to live in a town with a few of my coworkers and they have teenage daughters, who have come and sit for us. One of them actually lives within view and while she is very young, I have been test driving her - she came over and watch Clare for the day while I was getting ready for houseguests for Ryan's christening in order. And another day when daycare was closed, but I needed to work - I worked at home and she watched the kids. (Obviously this was during the summer.) We've left just the three year old with her during short daytime excursions and I know her mom sticks around while we are out, so I feel comfortable grooming her.

But, I do trade some daytime hours with my neighbor - nothing official but it makes my life easier to have someone else to occupy Clare for a couple of hours and then I can send her when I have a doctor's appointment or a work call on one of my off days.

It does involve a level of trust, but I know what I was like as a teenager and I feel that I can trust the majority of them, as long as I sort of teach them my style and watch them first.

I also ask for referrals from my book club friends and am trying to start having a regular night out so that we can get a few sitters in the rotation.

[Raven]

Sprog was raised only having been "babysat" TWICE by someone that wasn't family and they were close friends. I feel you lady.

If ever I can get myself up there and make it stick, like for a weekend, I would be happy to watch the girls for you as part of my visit :-)

I'll even schedule that as part of my time. Even though I am the mom of a stinky boy teenager of doom, I learned this past weekend that I do really well with the little girl set ;-)

[Katie]

I have never commented before, but I had to share on this topic. I was, like you, a very sought-after babysitter between ages 12(!!) and 16. Now I cannot fathom leaving my kids (8 months and 3 years) with a 12 or 13 year old. That was insane! What was wrong with my neighbors.

Anyway, when I was around 5 and my sister was 6, we once had a teenage babysitter from down the street who was diabetic. And she pretended to give us insulin shots. Using her actual needle! With the lid on, but still. I was terrified. This happened more than once before my sister and I told my parents and Tara never babysat again. Other than that, loved all of our babysitters as a kid.

[HereWeGoAJen]

ME TOO! The grandparents live in Texas and Washington state. I have no babysitter. And sometimes that sucks. But it doesn't really a lot. We just take her with us pretty much everywhere. I do have a couple of friends that we trade sitting with sometimes. But that is more for a weekday dentist appointment for me and less for a go out at night to dinner and a movie. We did go out to lunch and a movie once for our anniversary though...

So, I doubt this is HELPFUL information, but one of the reasons I haven't pursued getting a sitter here? One of my friends hired her FIRST sitter ever and the FIRST time she came over, she stole from them. They had a nanny cam and caught her on it just loading up her car with a bunch of the mom's clothes and such (prescription drugs!). And the baby was asleep and not harmed, but ACK.

I want to go back in time and hire myself. I started babysitting for pay when I was ten, so now I have twenty years of experience. (Also, who hires a ten year old to watch their baby? WHO? But I had two babies that I watched on a regular basis, I remember.)

[Bre]

Does your Y do a date night? The ones in Arizona do a parents night out every so often (I have never paid attention to the frequency, sorry!) where you drop your kids off at the Y daycare from 6-10 and they watch them for a small fee.

[Kate]

The easiest way to find a babysitter (apart from the hiring teachers method, which I've used) is to ask your friends. I think a good 50% of the moms of my daughter's classmates all use the same babysitter.

[Steph]

So I was just like teenage you! I babysat tons and tons of families, made a lot of money, and eventually was a full-time nanny for a bit.

I am confident that there are 16 year olds that are still like that!

1. Can you and Jennie trade nights? (This is assuming a lot.)
2. Are there teachers (or aides) from your daughter's school that you can hire?
3. Daughters of the normal, kind, morally-upstanding coworkers that you or your husband have particularly liked? (Does that even make sense?)

[Roberta]

Gosh. I'm beginning to be paranoid that I am not a paranoid enough parent. I never even THOUGHT of all the scary things you just pointed out. :-) We do not have a regular sitter either. Our old nanny (who we found through our neighborhood listserve) sits for us once in awhile, but she has 2 young kids herself, so it doesn't always work. We get some grandparent sitting, but they also live a 4 hour drive away. We've used a couple of other trusted friends here & there. But I haven't really felt a pressing need for a regular sitter. I actually think I'd be overwhelmed at a once-a-week obligation - I am WIPED OUT on weeknights, and sometimes I just want to lay around my house on weekend nights. But if I did need a sitter regularly, I feel like I could find one. We live in a dense city neighborhood overflowing with children, and we are lucky that we know a ton of them (and their parents). Interestingly, I feel like I needed a sitter much more when my daughter was an infant and I was home alone with her all the time, which I was too scared to do then, plus she didn't take bottles. I also know these days are temporary, as you say, and it will be a lot easier when the kid's older to leave her. But yeah, I would also be in HEAVEN if a grandparent moved closer.

[Chris]

If we didn't have a 15 year old next door neighbor who is just about the sweetest little thing in the world, we would barely get to go out. Luckily, we have her and my in-laws who live about 40 minutes away. My sister in law is only 2 minutes away, but is too busy to sit for us. :(

[K]

Aside from the fact that Ezra and Iris go to daycare full time, we are not a user of babysitters for the most part. There are lots of reasons (fear of strangers hurting them because this is my #1 Parent Phobia of All Time; not really knowing any beyond my parents, who are in town but still work full-time and are busy; me being too damn tired for anything fun past 7:30pm at night), so right now we just work around it.

We'll do daydates where we drop them off at daycare and take a day off work and have lots o' fun. Or we'll do in-house date nights by putting the kids to bed a smallish bit earlier and getting fancy take-out and watching a movie.

It works for now. But I have big plans for when I am less sleepy and have fewer trust issues.

[Elsha]

I feel like a very unconcerned parent right now. We are lucky enough to have my parents in town (and they'll babysit whenever) but on the very rare occasions where they can't watch the kids and we need a sitter I just ask one of the teenage girls from church. Growing up I mostly babysit for people we went to church with so it seems totally natural for me to have girls from church babysit for us. I guess on the upside I *do* know their mothers!

[Carmen]

Hey A'Dell, you're not alone here. We are exactly the same: grandparents live an 8-hr or 12-hr drive away from us, so when they come to visit we will go out for dinner, but we're always home to put the kids to bed. We also have no kid-free invitations that we need to deal with, so we've never been in a rush to find a babysitter. I have the same concerns that you do. People who can't understand why we don't get a babysitter tell me to advertise for one on Craigslist. I mean, really! "Here, complete stranger, come to my house and take care of my precious children. Hope you're not a freak!" Too terrifying to even contemplate. Honestly, I was nodding in agreement through this entire post and I am relieved to hear that there are other families like ours.

[Jen]

I completely relate to your fears about Stranger Babysitters, which is why I count my blessings each time one of our TWO sets of grandparents within a 15 minute drive comes over to watch the girls (do you hate me?? heh) I try very much not to take it for granted, so much so that sometimes I just don't ask! And then my mom gets mad if she realizes we had a chance for a night out and SHE had a chance to stay with the girls and she's all WHY DID YOU NOT ASK ME, LADY?? I just don't want to take advantage! They have lives too!

But yeah if we didn't have them nearby as an option... I'm not sure I'd be so quick to find a random person on a babysitting website or something. Possibly a neighbor or someone we find through someone we know and trust? That would be different.

[BigP's Heather]

I feel like I could have written this. We don't agree about baby sitters at all. We have let one lady from church keep her (and her kids are like seven and eight and DOTE on K). And I've kept her kids too, so we have traded off - once each so far. And my sister has kept her a few times for us to do things. But not what I would consider a "normal" baby sitter type thing...

I'm just so scared. Maybe when K is older and can tell me more - can vocalize what happens when I'm not here better? Maybe.

[Nicky]

Yep, I'm with you. All the grandparents require plane flights, no family nearby.

We have friends who found babysitters through care.com, but I just can't bring myself to hire somebody that I don't either know personally or got through a personal referral. Too creepy.

There is a young girl across the street from us, and we were very excited that we knew her so young and she'd be the perfect babysitter by the time we had kids, but now that we have kids and she's 14? Her parents won't let her babysit, because they want her home studying. So we never go out, we just wistfully look out the window at her house and silently curse her parents for not letting her come over and make some money from us.