are things complicated yet?

Moving on, moving forward

There are so few physical reminders left.

I have his tags, that used to hang on a leather Texas A&M collar on his neck. Sometimes, I jingle them in my hand and it sounds like his sprinting and meandering and settling. It sounds like he is here. They sit in a windowsill in the kitchen where I can see them, but Claire can't. I like to look at them. They make me smile.

There are nose prints on the back window of my car, on the passenger side, where he used to ride. Stressy and uncomfortable with the entire concept of riding in an automobile, Jake was constantly in motion back there, constantly looking out the window and smushing his wet nose on it. I see the marks every so often, when I really pay attention to what's back there when I'm buckling Claire in. I'm not sure when we'll get around to washing them off. I kind of don't want to, even though it's kind of yucky. Smeary dog nose prints on the window and all.

His bowls and medications are still on a shelf above the washing machine, where I put them that day, tucked out of view behind a cabinet door.

We gave his bed to Goodwill. Chris threw away his collar (admittedly, it was kind of grody). The remainder of the big bag of dog food is long gone. I know that he would have loved this change in weather to something colder. 

The other day we were coming home from a friend's house, a friend that has dogs. After months of not mentioning him at all, and not really noticing that he was gone in the first place, Claire said,

"Mommy, I want Jake. I want our doggie."

I was really surprised that she brought him up. I had to tell her, once again, but in more specific terms this time, that he's not here any more.

"Where he go, Mommy?"

"Well, Jake died. He's in heaven now."

"With his friends?"

"Yes, with his friends."

"He can bark there? And not get in trouble?"

"Yes, he can bark and run all he wants."

I have so far resisted reading Dog Heaven to her, that sweet Natalie sent us. In fact, the book is hidden in my desk drawer where Claire can't ask any questions about it and I don't have to look at it and be reminded. But, maybe we are ready to read it now, four months later.

Maybe. We'll see.

Sometimes I think I want another dog. Like, now, not in a couple of years or months but NOW. Maybe not a puppy, but probably an older, rescued dog. Someone fluffy and happy and ready to play or sit or just be with us after the kids go to bed. Someone to take on walks with us. Someone to throw things for in the yard. It doesn't make much sense on paper since we travel so much and a dog can't go in the airplane (hell, we have trouble fitting a STROLLER in the airplane) and we're pretty busy just keeping up with the two children and ourselves. I keep trying to shake the idea, to talk myself out of it. After all, long before Jake actually died we talked about how we would want to not have another pet for several years. It makes sense for us to wait.

But, man. I miss him.

Sometimes

Sometimes the constant chatter and questions from her are overwhelming and her sweet voice turns to nails on a chalkboard and I feel like I might shatter if I don't get sixty seconds of silence.

Sometimes the baby laughs at me when I've done nothing in particular and I am overcome with what a simple, glorious gift my children are.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, not with the children, but with all of the other things I need and want to do in addition to the children. The children are not so hard, it's the other stuff that eats at my soul. I sometimes feel the slight edge of a panic attack coming on, a stupid panic attack about Things To Do that includes dumb and not-life-changing things like "schedule 6-month portraits." 

Sometimes I get it all done and feel like I've conquered the world and I wonder what in the hell I was thinking yesterday. This isn't THAT difficult.

Sometimes I make a crappy dinner. A dinner that was poorly planned or a dinner that I forgot to defrost at a reasonable hour or a dinner that was new and maybe just kind of sucks. Spending time cooking a meal that isn't all that tasty is SUCH a disappointing way to spend the evening.

Sometimes I make a great dinner. I planned and I shopped and when I cook and it all comes together just as it should, I wonder why in the hell don't I plan meals more often. If I THINK about dinner, BEFORE dinner, dinner works out. AMAZING. 

Sometimes I miss my job and I wonder what it would be like to work with two kids and gosh, all that extra money and health insurance sure would be nice and so would all of the time aloooooooone at my desk every day.

Sometimes we ride bikes and roll around on the floor and giggle and talk about things in our world and I wonder why I'd ever want to spend my time making PowerPoint presentations.

Sometimes I let the diapers go one day too long and then I find myself in a situation with only one clean diaper left and a pile of diapers to wash and I think, "Dammit I hate these f'ing cloth diapers."

Sometimes I get into a serious groove and the diapers are always clean and it's never a pain to wash them and I think I am pretty good at this hippie mom thing. 

Sometimes I go run at the Y and I love it. I walk on the treadmill and catch up on emails and Twitter and the news. I run and then I walk and I push the incline up and down and up up up no that's too far doooooown. I feel pretty awesome after thirty or forty minutes. After two months of this, I am seeing significant positive changes in both mind and body.

Sometimes I skip the Y. I decide to run errands or hang out in my pajamas or finish my cup of coffee FOR ONCE OMG. At the end of the day, I always wish I had gone to the Y.

Sometimes I don't do the dishes, all day long, because I hate them and I know Chris will help me do them when he gets home, which is so unfair as I should just do them since I'm a SAHM now and I had ALL DAY to do the dishes but dudes. I hate the dishes.

Sometimes the baby wakes up from her nap and the way she looks at me when I rescue her from the crib makes me wonder why on earth I ever pondered the question of whether I wanted two children or just the one.

Sometimes I think about what college and retiring (will people actually DO THAT when we are old?) and health insurance cost and I freak the flip out and think we should eat beans for dinner for six months. 

Sometimes I open the Amazon app on my iPad and I go on a big shopping spree. (Of very fun things like...bibs. And gifts for other people.)

Sometimes I think I have a really cute picture of the girls, but upon closer inspection someone is yakking.

(Someone is alllllways yakking around here. There's no sometimes about that one.)

The Blathering, v3, Austin

Right now, I have Blathering Burnout.

An as Organizer, I've been thinking about The Blathering in some form or way pretty much non-stop for the past 60 days and, well, now that it's over I kind of want to not think about it any more and not analyze it too deeply. Does this make sense? I had a great time but now I'm DONE. (I think it's kind of like a wedding that way. Please, no more catering contracts or little decor items to pick up. I CANNOT TAKE ANY MORE.) I had fun, OH YES I DID, but I am just not ready to type it all up right now, you know?

An event for 50 people with access to Twitter at all times is kind of STRESSY. (What if they hate it? What if they think it sucked? What if someone drops a drama bomb? What if we forget to buy ice?) None of that happened, of course. Everyone was exceptionally kind and lovely and people are even saying really nice things about the weekend, which warms my heart so much I can't even tell you, but right now I just can't delve into my feeeeeelings and what it meeeeeeeans. I think I'll need a few more days for that one.

The short version is The Blathering is awesome (obvs) and it is one of my favorite few days of the year and the relationships I have because of this wee website and the magic of the internet are more important to me than I could ever describe to you with plain old words. Words seem so ugly for something so splendid. Words aren't ever going to be enough to communicate how spending time with these women makes me feel like we're in a magical gap of life where things get wispy and align just perfectly. The Blathering, to me, is filled with a kind of electric energy where I feel alive, really alive, for three days straight. I don't want it to end, but at the same time, an ending means another beginning.

Many beginnings. 

 

13 things you should know about me before I see you in Austin for The Blathering

I did this post two years ago, before I went to Sacramento for The Blathering, V1. I almost didn't go. I had never met anyone attending, I was leaving my baby behind for the first time and did you hear the part about how I HAD NEVER MET ANYONE ATTENDING? I remember it was about time to book my ticket to Sacramento and I thought,

"You know. I can just not go. It's no big deal. I can save all this money and I can not go and I can just hide here in front of my computer and not embarrass myself and nobody will ever know that I am pushy and bossy sometimes (most of the time)."

I am so glad I bought that plane ticket to Sacramento. I am so glad that I emailed a stranger named Jennie, tentatively, and said "Hi, I think you live near me and are going to The Blathering do you want to maybe get on the same plane?" I am so glad that I ate tomatoes in Elizabeth's back yard. I am so glad that Amy and Holly took us all dancing that night because it was basically the most awesome thing ever.

And then, lightning struck twice. The next year we had The Blathering, V2, in Chicago. And I finally got to meet Lauren and Arwen. I laughed with Diane and Elisabeth and Emily and Maureen (who has talked me off many a parenting ledge). We had fun, tromping up and down the Magnificent Mile in our coats, cheeks red and laughing. Girls! In the city! Without children! It was like my Twitter steam had come to life, with great food and a comfortable place to sit. 

Of the many fine things the internet has given me, The Blathering is one of the best.

There is this weird thing about the internet that easily allows anonymity to those who desire it. You can hide behind a URL or a Twitter handle and be anyone you want to be. You can tell outlandish stories or only show a skewed facet of your personality or a person can just make shit up. A person can choose to be fake. And, that's okay. The internet has lots of room and space for that. (I just don't find it very personally rewarding.)

Or, you can tell real stories and connect with real people. A person can find real support, help, empathy, excitement and joy from these communities we've created for ourselves. When you get to pick your friends from the wide pool of Everyone On The Entire Internet? You can pick some really kick ass people. 

I can't wait to see my old friends in Austin this weekend, but I'm also very excited to transform some more Internet Friends into regular Friends. I can always use more kick ass people in my life.

***

Thirteen things you should know about me, before we meet in Austin, 2011 edition

1. I think I have forgotten or misplaced some Attendee surveys. I mean, there are FIFTY of you and I have a 5-month-old baby so I don't think this is a surprise to anyone but if your survey doesn't post before Thursday please know if is not intentional AT ALL, it is because there are FIFTY of you and my organizational skills are not so great when I haven't slept a full night in five months. (I AM SORRY IN ADVANCE IF THIS HAPPENS.)

2. I might wear the same thing a few times. 

3. My parents live in Austin but I don't know anything about Austin. Really, I don't. My Austin knowledge is only enough to get me by on a few weekends there a year and even then my mom picks all the places to go. If you have legit Austin questions, ask Natalie or Regan or some of the other locals. 

4. I will probably bring some fancy shoes, but I will probably wear flip flops the whole time.

5. I'll have a car, so if you need a ride let me know!

6. I think a lot of you are going to the Gypsy Picnic or the Texas Book Festival and while those ideas SOUND great in theory I think I will skip them. I, uh, kind of hate people. Wait, that sounds terrible. What I mean is I very strongly dislike spending time with The General Public. I don't like crowds or parking and walking a long time or waiting to use the bathroom or using my elbows to make a path in a crowd. I think I will maybe shop and have a nice ladies lunch and eat a lot of Amy's Ice Cream. If you want to do that too, just let me know.

7. I will be very, very, very worried about the noise level on Friday night. I will probably wring my hands and look over the fence a lot and make sure nobody is giving us the stinkeye. I will want everyone to stay and hang out at the house past 9 pm but the grown-up in me knows we should leave before it gets too late and the neighbors complain.

8. I kind of want to go bowling or play mini golf on Friday night after the BBQ. I, um, am not such a huge fan of bars. It's just that they're loud and it's hard to talk in them and oh my God I sound so old, don't I? But I want to TALK to my friends and tell funny stories and bars are just no good for that. The mini golf place is BYOB. Does that help?

9. I have no shame or guilt about eating all of the desserts. Like, I might have three slices of pie.

10. I can't wait to tell you my unbloggable stories. I can't wait to hear yours.

11. I am an Aggie. I like football. 

12. I am not doing the Town Lake Run on Saturday morning, HA HA NO. I will be sleeping in.

13. I am pretty terrified you will all hate everything we have planned. But, I hope not. If you are? Maybe just don't say anything to me about it.

Age Three, revisited. (With a book!)

This is going to sound really dumb, but a few years ago I decided I don't really like books any more.

I like to read them, but I do not like to own them. I really don't like to buy them. I have a hard time finding places to store books and while I do read some books over and over again there are just too many mediocre books out there that I WON'T read multiple times to justify a continued habit of purchase. The rate of repeat readings is rather low. I have feeeeeeelings about e-books and the pricing structure (too much!) so I don't do that either. And, yes, I know about the library and when we moved to this lovely town with higher taxes I was very excited about the library but then Claire ripped up a lot of books and now I'm embarrassed to go there so...no library for a while for us. Perhaps by Christmas I'll be over that.

This is a really long way of saying that I bought a book and it's kind of a huge flipping deal for me. I realllllly wanted this book.

The Two Year Old book was immensely helpful about this time last year and I had kind of forgotten about it until a bunch of you re-recommended the series to me again. So, I went over to Amazon and ponied up the $12 to have it delivered to the house. I even paid $3.99 to get it the next day.

You guys, I really wanted that book. Things were getting ugly.

This book was like holding up a mirror to Claire. Moxie recommends the entire series and I'm probably going back for the four-year-old version in six or eight months. It is amazing how kids seem so unique and so marvelous and so individual and then you read something that basically tells you that all children are the same and you don't want to believe it but here are some words written in the seventies that are still true today so...damn. Children really are pod people/zombies/clones!

It is somehow easier for me to deal with crappy kid behavior when I know that it's not something I'm doing wrong as a parent and it's something screwy in their brains about how growing up is tough and they're figuring things out and even if I did do everything perfectly or not at all, the kid would still throw a fit at Target about where to sit in the grocery cart and then change her mind, loudly, every four minutes until I finally said, "Where you sit is where you sit I am not moving you again." Because you know what? That is annoying as all hell but there is a lot of peace that comes with knowing it is (mostly) NOT MY FAULT. (I wish I could wear a t shirt that says so. I can tell there are some people at Target who watched that scene and thought, "Whoa, it is all that mom's fault." But, it's not! NOT MY FAULT! THE KID IS THREE!)

Anyway, I found the book very helpful, just as I did the one for two-year-olds and I am not a Parenting Book Person, AT ALL. (See above re: hesitance to buy any books, at all.) You are all correct that the basic strategy here is to simply disengage with the Three-Year-Old and not argue or fight in the first place because I will never win because she will never walk away from it. The fight is, to her, the entire attraction. And ohhhhhhhhhh, that is a hard thing as a parent, right? When you have to do or say things that make you EYE ROLL EYE ROLL EYE ROLL but you know it's the best path? I hate that crap. 

My favorite part of the book is where it says that the best option for this age is to hire a baby sitter and walk away.

"This advice may seem like the all time cop-out. It remains our best advice."

HAAAAAA. The parenting book's best advice is to...not parent and just GIVE UP and let someone else handle it? OH, THIS IS GOING TO BE A TOUGH AGE.

Cloth Diaper Update: 4 Months Later

We've been doing the cloth diaper thing since late May, so about 4 months. In that time I've been really pleased with them. We've had zero blowouts and only a handful of leaky diapers (most of which were a result of user error and were not the diaper's fault). Charlotte has had only a very small diaper rash, a very few number of times. They're cute, they're highly functional, they make me feel like a hippie. But, are we saving money?

Here's what I've spent so far:

$395 = Twenty-four Bum Genius 3.0 cloth diapers with snaps

$12 = Two 10 packs of baby washcloths, for use as wipes.

$7.99 = Wet bag that I bought. Sarah gifted me a way better wet bag than this one though and I use it all the time and it's my first choice. 

$10 = Diaper Pail. Really, it's a flip top lidded plastic kitchen trash can. I got it at Target.

$30 = Two Diaper Pail Liners that Maggie told me to buy and they are AWESOME. 

$2 = Spray Bottle. I got it at Walmart. It's just an empty spray bottle from the cleaning products aisle.

$11.49 = California Baby Diaper Area Wash. I can dilute this to make about six spray bottles worth. I just bought so I'm not sure what I think of it. Before, I was just using water with some Cetaphil in it.

$34.95 = Bum Genius Diaper Sprayer. It's really $44.95 but for first-time customers at Diapers.com you get $10 off. I just bought this since she's only started solids in the past week.

TOTAL CLOTH DIAPER INVESTMENT: $503.43

I figure we would have spent about $20/week on disposable diapers and wipes, maybe a little bit less. This is about what we spent on Claire. I know I can probably get them cheaper if I price shop and do that crazy coupon thing but I seriously do not have that in me. I know myself and I know I would buy it all at Walmart.

After 21 weeks of cloth diapering (where we're at now) we would have spent about $420 in the diaper aisle in the same period of time. We're pretty close to breaking even (though I haven't factored in the cost of water/energy to wash them) and she'll be wearing these for another year, probably more. If I stop buying diapers here and don't invest any more in STUFF, we'll totally come out ahead. WAAAAAAY ahead. Even if I have to buy another wet bag or pail liner or whatever we'll win the financial game by a long stretch. (Two years of disposables at $20/week is a little more than $2,000. I spent less on Claire's diapering towards the end but...lazy math. Just take it at face value.)

I am kind of surprised that I haven't bought any more diapers than my original stash of 24. There are SO MANY kinds and colors and patterns, but honestly I've been really happy with the ones we have and, well, if it ain't broke don't fix it. There are other things I'd rather spend my money on.

I get a lot of comments and questions about them from my friends and relatives. My relatives (mostly people with grown children) are kind of surprised to see how far cloth diapers have come in 20 or 30 years. They remember using prefolds and plastic pants and pins. My friends are shocked that they don't smell or I don't find the laundry disgusting. But, really, it's a cinch. I have zero complaints. They wash easily (one cold cycle, one hot cycle, extra rinse), they aren't a pain to keep up with, they don't smell. They are easy to change on the go and on weekends away and they're just kind of invisible to me at this point, which is how I know they're a good fit for our lifestyle. It's one of those things where I can't believe everyone doesn't do this. I mean, do people KNOW how awesome they are? Why is this a secret!?

Charlotte started eating solid food last week so we're entering a new phase for cloth diapers: the part where I have to rinse off solid poops before washing (breastfed baby stool is water soluble and I just put the whole diaper in the washing machine, no rinsing). I bought a diaper sprayer and everyone assures me that's key to making it easier/less yucky. But, for serious, I have two kids. I have touched poop. I will probably touch more poop before they grow up and become financially independent adults. I don't LIKE it, but...it's just one of those things a parent has to do sometimes. It remains to be seen how easy/painless this continues to be, but I have no reason to think it will get awful to the point that I will quit cloth diapers.

So, that's it. We like them. 

How do YOU play the Credit Card Game?

For as long as we've been married we have put most of our recurrent monthly expenses on one credit card, paid it every month and collected the miles, all with a very smug feeling. You know that feeling I'm talking about, right?

HAAAAA, WE GOT ALL THESE MILES AND DIDN'T PAY ANY INTEREST ON ANYTHING, JOKE'S ON THEM! WOO! FREE TRIP TO MAUI!

When, really, the joke is not on the credit card company it is on the poor merchants that we inflicted our $4 transactions on (that they pay a 2-5% fee for), all in the name of gathering 4 Aadvantage miles when I buy a salted caramel mocha. But, you know, that's the game and we all play it. We've parlayed this method into at least six round-trip tickets to Maui.

Jennie and I were recently talking about this game we all play as adults (seriously, the Game of Life from Milton-Bradley has nothing on Credit Card Points and Reward Strategies For First World Grown-Ups).

We have been with the Citi Aadvantage card for years and I've been unhappy for awhile. Most of this ire comes from the fact that American Airlines keeps changing the redemption structure for flights (requiring more miles for the same flight) but Citi is not offering any more miles per dollar spent. So, in effect, our program loses value year after year. I am also not that pleased about being tied to just ONE company. I mean, what if American decided tomorrow to radically change the Aadvantage program? I would be BEYOND pissed off and have a stack of miles that are actually worth nothing because, let's face it, they're just made up currency. I also really dislike American Airlines and I haaaaate feeling tied to a brand and company that I have no faith in or enthusiasm for. Why bother investing ourselves further?

So, I thought I'd ask you guys. What are your credit card reward and point program(s) of choice? How do you earn the most and where do you feel like you get a lot of value for your effort, fees and trouble? I would like to stay in the travel category, but get points/rewards that I can use with multiple vendors/carriers. But, I'm not opposed to other cards/systems like Amazon where I can just get STUFF. (My brother has that card and likes it pretty okay.) Cash back programs are interesting but I'm not sure they actually pay out the same in relative value. Or, are you the kind of person that has several cards and ways to earn? Does that actually work out for you?

What kind of rewards are YOU actually getting? What is the most efficient way to earn? And, the fees! Which fee is more "worth" it? Which vendor has the most availability and ease to actually USE the reward? (Hint: It is not American Airlines, I'll tell you that.) There are just a crap-ton of ways to structure this financial chore these days.

I am not interested in playing any "Join now and get a million points!" games where I have to open ten accounts and then close them. No, no, no. I just want to find a card or a program where I get maximum rewards/earnings on things I would actually buy. 

Tell it to me straight: How do you tackle this in your house and what are you getting for your efforts?

The fasest five months in the history of the universe

Charlotte is five months old today.

Little bear rolls front to back and back to front and occasionally repeats herself a few times and manages to cover some distance. She can sit up if we prop her that way and she'll stay there a few moments before toppling over. She reaches and grabs and crams it all in her drooly maw.

She doesn't have any teeth (yet) but I think they're on the way as evidenced by the spectacularly crappy sleep we've all had lately. She's up about every 90 minutes, around the clock and ohhhhh, I wish I was saying that for dramatic effect but I'm not.

In other recent discoveries, I am kind of a worthless adult with no more than 90 minutes of consecutive sleep for a week.

She smiles and she laughs and I call her my Charlie Bear and my Charlie Mae and always Charlotte, sweet Charlotte.

It wasn't long ago that she was screaming from the misery of reflux and I was screaming right along with her. Things are so much NICER now.

Five months. BAM. Here we are. 

Do not feed the trolls

Okay, so tonight on NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams (my television boyfriend) I caught a glimpse of the Wall Street protesters which, I freely admit, I have not been paying much attention to. I mean, I knew there were people down there and they were unhappy (about...something) and there was a bit of a ruckus going on but...I had not really invested a lot of time into understanding it.

Tonight I saw some people wandering around lower Manhattan dressed as zombies, walking as zombies, making weird arm movements like zombies and I think this was part of the protest. Maybe some kind of statement about bankers and...zombies? I don't really know. 

Anyway, my first thought was, "These are a bunch of idiots that just wanted to go dress up like zombies and not do whatever they were supposed to do today." And, yeah, that's a wide-open thought without any research but it was honestly the first thing that popped into my head as I sat on the couch, still savoring the Amanda Knox segment that preceded it. I mean, really. ZOMBIES?

I tweeted something about it and awhile later I got a reply from someone I don't know (he probably found the tweet via search) and ohhhhhh I was ITCHY to respond to him because look how STUPID this is, but, you know, rule number one of the internet is You Don't Feed Trolls.

I think he was trying to say that they were dressed up like zombies and protesting for these specific wants. I can't be sure, as he only gets 140 characters, but I THINK that was his point. Anyway, for the record:

I don't think anyone is entitled to a job in the sense that I think protesting and dressing like a zombie creates meaningful long-term employment opportunities.

I don't think anyone is entitled to free health care and that's totally unrealistic anyway. Even if it was "free"(covered) it wouldn't really be free. You'd pay for it in other ways.

I think "the rich" are taxed quite heavily in this country and there's actually a gigantic segment of our population that pays zero income tax.

I...don't think we have a plutocracy, in the truest sense of the concept.

And if that means I need help then...I suppose he'd be willing to pay for it with his taxes. Which, in that case, we'll probably need to raise. A lot.