The Swim Lesson and the Almost-Three-Year-Old

Claire has been very excited about the swim lessons I signed her up for. Her friend Emory takes swim lessons and while were were in California Emory was showing off all of her swimmy skills and Claire was quite impressed. Also, the best part about swim lessons is that you get to go swimming twice a week. In her eyes? SOLD.

Today was the first lesson. She said to me, several times this morning,

"I SO EXCITED about my swim lesson, Mommy!"

"I need my swimsuit! Where my swimsuit!? I have my swim lesson today!"

"Is it time to go yet, Mommy? I don't want to be late for my swim lesson."

"Where are my goggles!? I DON'T WANT TO FORGET THEM!"

So, you know, it was totally expected that when we got there and met her teacher (Sam) that Claire ran away and did not want to set a pinkie toe in that water. There are only two kids in her class and the other little boy wasn't having any of it either and Sam said that this happens every time. (As I suspected.) Claire is pretty adventurous in the water. She's been jumping in and putting her head under, blowing bubbles and kicking all summer, so I knew it was just getting-to-know-her shyness and that she'd warm up at some point.

Sure enough, about twenty minutes into the lesson Claire decided that she'd like to leap into the water and go fetch a noodle that had floated away. It was all her idea and she told Sam that she wanted her to catch her and they'd go get the noodle together. At that moment, when she just jumped in with no fear and a world of joy and happy on her face? Oh, I was proud of her. I was so thrilled for her. My big girl, doing something on her own and with someone she just met, learning new things and being, well, such a big girl.

(Charlotte and I enjoyed the part where we did not have to get wet.)

Since she had spent 20 minutes of the 35 minute lesson pouting and deciding if she'd like to get in the pool at all, once she warmed up there wasn't much time left to play. I warned her several times that it would almost be time to go and we had talked in advance, a lot, about how when the teacher says the lesson is over it is time to dry off and we will be back the next time. Many times! But, since she is almost-three she totally lost her shit when the lesson was over.

She ran away, she cried, she laughed at me. Repeatedly. Her baby sister was crying in her carseat and I had to run after her, down the length of the 25-yard pool. It was like she had switched her ears off: she wasn't listening to a single word I said. She crumpled onto the floor when I finally got to her, refused to walk and did that aggravating noddle leg thing and she laughed at me the entire time. It was...mortifying. Here I had one child screaming in her carseat and one child running away from me and laughing in my face about it. LAUGHING!

And you know what? It's the worst when this happens after I have done something fun, FOR HER. Like, we would not even be in this awkward discipline situation if I wasn't such a fun mom and signed you up for swim lessons in the first place. WHERE IS MY THANK YOU? Perhaps we will just stay home and never do fun things! HOW ABOUT THAT!? [More laughing.]

After a few low-toned Serious Discussions about what I expected from her as we were leaving, plus a handful of threats and privileges taken away, I ended up having to put her over my shoulder, wet, and carry her to the car. I carried an almost-three-year-old to the car. I should not have to do that and I never HAVE had to do that with her. Claire is normally a pretty obedient child and in the rare event she does not listen or follow directions I can still get the behavior I want and need if she is properly incented with a reward or something taken away from her.

But, not today. (And really, not for the past week.) I hear Three is like this. Three doesn't listen. Three laughs at you. Sometimes, Three acts like an untethered zoo animal. We came directly home and I sent her to her room for the mother of all Time Outs. She ended up taking a nap while sequestered. (GOOD.)

So, um, parents who have gone before me? How do we manage Three? What does Three want? How do we contain Three and still go out in public and not end every day with half a bottle of wine? 

She is not even actually three and there are seven swim lessons left and I still need to go places like Walmart during the day and...look I just do not want to be laughed at when I make reasonable requests, okay? The laughing is the worst.

Is that too much to ask? It's too much to ask, isn't it? Shit.

Comments

[Jennie]

I AM BOOKMARKING THIS PAGE FOR THE AWESOME ADVICE I KNOW IS TO COME.

(I can't spend his entire third year drunk. That's unreasonable, even for me.)

[Roberta]

Also drowning in almost-three-ness. The testing, the decibel level of the NO!, the running away. Halp.

[Courtney]

Good for you for sticking it out, and enduring the mother of all tantrums. Glad to know I'm not the only one who feels totally ridiculous when this happens ;-). It is amazing to see these little people take on new skills and really LOVE it. Sounds like Claire is going to do great! About the whole being three thing, I don't think there is much we can do but keep on and know that they will one day grow up (of course, then we will think back and long for the days when they were this age).

[Elsha]

Apparently I have been blessed with the world's best behaved 3 year old, because we're not struggling with 3 nearly as much as people said we would. I would say it's because we're very "lay down the law" type parents, so she knows when we're serious, but it's quite possible that she's just naturally good natured and well behaved and I'll have another thing coming when Will turns 3.

I have had to do the pick her up and carry her out on more than one occasion, but that didn't start at 3.

[Erica]

I am laughing because two sounds a lot like this at our house. Wine is my current solution. Well, wine for me and candy bribes for her. FAIL.

[Maggie]

Three lasted from about 2.5 to 3.5 in our house. After standing around stunned for a couple months, I had to get a LOT meaner and a LOT faster with my meanness and WAY more consistent. Time outs do not work with my kid and if I give him choices or a warning he tramples all over me. Also, if we were out in public, I had to be okay with leaving the INSTANT he got horrible. He just didn't get it unless there was an instant and painful consequence!

He's a lot better now. Molly is... her Three is different so far, but just as defiant. She's not going to laugh at me like J did, but her stubbornness appears to last longer than J's. And again, I am standing around stunned not knowing what to do. I know pretty soon I'll have to be super mean again, which we've never had to do with Molly! But seriously. I am not going to let these kids get away with that crap.

[Arina]

I hate Three. I felt like an awesome parent until about a week ago, and now I am That Mom, who put her kid in timeout at Soccer because he wasn't listening to the coach or me. I have no answers, but do commiserate.

[Julie]

Three is like this. Three tests your metal. Three occasionally makes you want to lock them in a closet until college. But Three also has hugs and giggles and rapid fire learning that blows your mind.

I am neck deep in Three with the most attention-seeking child in the universe. I'm not sure when the NO! will end (sorry to scare you, but I have Seven that still whips it out). But I know they do become more people-like somewhere along the way. I'm here for you, Sister in Three. Let's take them both, corner them in a playroom, and commiserate. Any time.

[K]

Our Three comes in waves and while it is without the "No!" and mean, mean laughing (holy EFF would I lose my shit)--with Ezra it means a metric ton of whining and not being able to listen the first time.

The upside (if you can call it that) is that I am no longer a sucker as I can see the trend a mile away and know to gird my loins.

Regardless, though, it totally sucks.

[Abbykins]

I will say that 3 is both awesome and horrific. My 3.5 year old a few months ago had the first Can't-Back-Out-Of-Drag-Down-Blow-Out tantrum on a public beach with my childless friends and it was hands down one of the worst moments of my life as a parent. I have NEVER been so embarrassed and ill equipped to handle this parenting situation. Carrying my kicking and screaming 3 year old for ONE MILE with 2 beach chairs, all of her beach toys and doing so 27 weeks pregnant was NOT in my plans that day. My baby was normally SO sweet - LOVES rules and following them and up until that point we have never NOT been able to convince her to calm down with incentives or removal of privileges. She was SO EASY. This however - was NOT my baby. THIS? Was my THREE YEAR OLD.

We do have more sassy arguments than ever before, but the mind of a three year old is an unbelievable thing. It's curious. It's smart. It's trusting. It's totally full of imagination. It's HILARIOUS and it's a joy. I can't tell you how much more connected I am to her by simply having amazing conversations. This is the part about three that is simply amazing....

The bad parts DO SUCK HARD - but the good parts for me have outweighed them. Hopefully that continues for us. Just remember -- EVERYTHING IS JUST A PHASE!

[Dr. Maureen]

I can think of three "techniques." First, I employed the classic "Scream and yell and stomp your feet." That went swimmingly, as you can imagine. I was also a fan of "Lock yourself in the bathroom, block your ears, and say Hail Marys until you can pull it together."

But my last technique is a real one: Three is contrary. Thus, if you say things like, "Claire, I bet you can't put your shoes on. It's probably too hard," she will put them on to spite you. Don't tell her NOT to, because you don't want to train in disobedience, but just sigh about how she can't do stuff. Maybe that will help!

[Rebecca (Bearca)]

Sounds like 3, all right. I'm on my second 3-year old and she is pulling the same damn stunts as her brother!

If I counted the number of times I had to remove a screamy, non-listening tiny person from a public place, I'd have a big-ass pile of coin.

It will pass, though. I SWEAR ON MY WINE BOTTLE.

[Carla Hinkle]

I think Ask Moxie has some posts about Three. I also remember the Ames & Ilg book which recommends you get a babysitter more (true, but not always possible!).

Three is tough because they are really figuring out they are individuals and can refuse to do what we say. My only really successful technique (which was hard, HARD to implement) was to Not Engage. You can't win an argument with Three. Trying usually makes things worse, as I have learned time after time. So if at all possible, make your stand, and then just...step away.

[Sara @ Belle Plaine]

I second Carla's technique of Do Not Engage the Three Year Old. When Noah is acting spectacularly THREE and not listening and screaming/laughing at me and calling me "BAD MOMMY, MEAN MOMMY" I basically shut down all emotion and communication, turn my back to him (if possible)/refuse eye contact, and press on. If we're at the store, that means ignoring the behavior, refuse to engage him, and shrugging my shoulders at any passers-by who deign to stare. If we're in a situation like you were at the pool, it's the grab the child, say nothing, throw him over the shoulder, haul ass to the car and THEN discuss how inappropriate the behavior was after all parties have cooled.

Does this always work? Hell no. But reasoning with a Three is a waste of breath and they do NOT like it when their behavior doesn't elicit a response from you.

Three sucks. Except when they're being so damn funny you can hardly keep from peeing your pants. That's THEIR technique for making sure you don't put them out front with a Free to Good Home sign.

[Shelly]

Three is ugly. Three is mean. Three turns your child into a creature that could not possibly be that precious tiny baby you held snuggled against you in wonder that something could be so perfect.

There were at least two straight months of 3 when I did not like my child. I loved her fiercely, but like her? Not so much. Two solid months where I counted the hours until bedtime. Am I proud of how I felt? No. But, like everything else, eventually it passed and I got my baby back again. Well, not a baby anymore, a big girl that makes me proud to be her mommy every single day.

[Manda]

First Emily, then Maggie, NOW YOU TOO?
I will respond as I have to the others: THESE LITTLE GIRLS ARE TRYING TO KILL US.
My answer is to put her in three-day-a-week preschool and run screaming to Starbucks on the days I don't have to work. I'll let you know how that works out sanity-wise. :)

[natalie]

Seems like you everything right in preparing her for the swim lessons and giving her warnings that it was time to leave.

Have you ever heard of Love & Logic? It's pretty great for preschoolers. It's all about choices. For the students I work with, I always give choices that I can live with. So I'll say, Do you want to leave now or in 5 minutes? Do you want to jump or crawl to the car?

We also used planned ignoring. If it is attention seeking behavior I would turn you back to her and say I'm leaving. And go around the corner where you can see her. So tough when you are all alone with both of them!

You could also write a social story to prepare you for swim lessons. It could go something like this:
Today I go to swim class. My job at swim class is to get in the water and listen to teachers. I love playing in the water. Mommy will tell me 5 more minutes. When mommy says, "STOP!" then I will get out of the pool. It is NOT okay to run. Running around the pool is dangerous I could hurt my head/body/feet. I will go home and put on clean clothes. I can have fun at swim class, I will listen to teachers and mommy.

I would draw/illustrate/clip art for each sentence or 2. She can read it on the way to swim class or once you arrive. I can help you with this if you like!!

You may also want to bring a highly preferred object, that you hand her once she exits the pool.

I work with an entire classroom of 3's. I for the most part enjoy them!

[BigP's Heather]

I'm just hanging around stalking your comment section because K will be three in less than a month and she has started this stuff too! I can't stand it. She never had tantrums or blatantly ignored me before. I had to carry her to the car Sunday night too. I was mortified. sigh. At least I feel less alone now.

[Mel]

I see tastes of the three here and there. I've heard from so many people about the three. I actually thank my lucky stars that I get to only do the three with girls because I HEAR that the three with boys is pretty much like the world blowing up in nuclear warfare.

I'm sure you'll get through it. Nothing like being at home FULL TIME with it, too.

(As an aside, I actually have to leave mid-comment to go deal with a massive temper tantrum upstairs! The joy!)

[Meghan]

UGH... good luck.
I had a three....and now I have a four. All I can say is buy the boxes of wine...its cheaper!

[Jessica]

I don't have any advice, just fear of 3 and a little commiseration. We've started to have lots of tantrums and time-outs around here, with a side of behaving badly in public.

[Carrie (in MN)]

My youngest (two) are 11 now, so I can't remember much more than the pain of 3 but I do remember that the book 1,2,3 Magic gave me some techniques that I found really effective.

[Carrie (in MN)]

Premature submission! The 1,2,3 Magic book basically builds on the Do Not Engage technique - it's a way of avoiding getting sucked into a power struggle with the child. I can't remember all the details, but I remember it was remarkably effective. It got to the point where all it took from me was "that's a 1" and the bad behavior would cease.

[Mama Bub]

I have no advice. We just emerged from three to realize that four is no better. Or maybe my kid is just a turd. A fifty pound turd that I have forcibly removed from more than one screamy situation myself. However, everyone with any sort of commitment has said wonderful things about 1, 2, 3, Magic, which is just collecting dust on my bookshelf.

[Jeannie]

I'm just a lurker, but I have to comment here. My (now five year old) son was a delightful toddler who morphed into an occasional *menace* as a three year old. And occasionally as a four year old. There were times I thought for sure I was raising a sociopath. The preschool years were ... difficult. But he's now five and a half and is largely delightful again, much to our great relief.

So I sympathize. And offer the light at the end of the tunnel.