This time around, a few things will be different

I keep having moments where I think,

"This is going to be tough, so physically DIFFICULT to care for two small people at the same time. How? How am I going to do this?"

I try to remember that I won't feel like this, won't move (er, not move?) like this and won't be off balance like this in just a few short weeks (days?). I won't be agile like a teenage high jumper but I will not be nine months pregnant. I think we can agree that these two things (teenage high jumper/9 months pregnant 32-year-old) are pretty much the complete opposite of each other in terms of simple physical ability to, say, get out of a car unassisted.

I'm not too worried about the days and weeks ahead because I do know how to take care of a newborn (the basic tasks are relatively simple in terms of complexity) and even if this newborn is high needs then I think I know how to deal with that too (Twitter, wine). I have a reasonable expectation of what is normal. We have people to support us and give us the breaks and time and help that we need. It is a huge comfort to know that no matter what flavor of baby we get, everything will be FINE.

And yet. I do feel twinges of anxiety about New Baby, partly because Claire as a newborn never made me feel stressed out in any kind of extreme way and I think we've likely used up all of our Good Baby karma. What are the chances we'll get lucky again? She always went back to sleep fairly easily once her middle-of-the-night problem had been solved and I can remember fewer than five times when she was truly inconsolable. I actually LIKED Claire as a newborn quite a bit. I mean, obviously I did not sleep a lot and I wore semi-clean clothes to work sometimes (okay, lots of times) but to me those were normal life changes that I expected. The baby on her own? She was great.

From what I can tell after many years of reading the internet, it's a bit rare to have a decently sleeping child from the start and I have a great deal of sympathy for parents of infants that refuse to sleep. I can imagine no torture worse than a crying, inconsolable child for months and months at a time PLUS all of the other changes/sacrifices that are made. It was 7 months before Claire slept through the night and I thought I was going to die at that point and she was really a very good sleeper anyway. Parents of children with sleep issues? HEROES.

I mean, I get it, and how it must be soul-sucking in a completely defeating way. But I can't possibly understand it since it's not something I personally experienced. I simply have no war story on the topic.

I am curious if that's about to change.

...

Sometimes I wonder if I sugarcoated Claire's first year, both at the time and in my recollection, because she was so desperately wanted and we tried so hard and spent so much money and tears and time to have her in the first place. I wonder if I was so grateful that she existed at all, that I diminished the value of any personal sacrifice I made. Even though Claire didn't have colic or reflux or sleeping issues, she was still an infant that was awake all the time and hard to figure out and she pushed me to my limits quite frequently. (Because, you know, that's what infants DO.)

Baby won't sleep tonight and is having a dance party at 3 am when I have an 8 am conference call to present at? We asked for this! This is what we wanted! And I ate it all up, really I did, in the name of We Will Only Get To Do This Once. I never let myself even creep close to any legitimate feelings of "this baby thing kind of sucks, when does the toddler part begin?" I think I elevated the entire experience and even the most mundane, tiring and repetitive of activities to a high, high pedestal. I talked myself into thinking that even when something was bad, it wasn't THAT bad because, after all, we have a baby. In the back of my mind, there was always a quiet voice whispering that whatever infant indignity we were experiencing, it was better than not having a baby at all.

(It was an exhausting mentality to maintain.)

I wasn't sure if we'd have another baby, if we'd get lucky a second time or if our life circumstances would even financially allow it, so I was obsessed with making sure that even if I was sleep deprived and I did have to go to work in a few hours, that I enjoyed that 1, 3, 5 and 7 am wake up to the fullest. I think it made me kind of delusional actually, because I literally didn't think about anything but Claire for months and month and months. I put a lot of important things on hold and used her as my excuse. I literally felt that I did not have time to work out because that hour was better spent with her. A measly little hour was something I thought I did not deserve or even want in the first place.

I remember when I first met Jennie I was stunned to learn that she went to the movies sometimes. By herself! Because she just really liked the movies and she wanted to go so she...went! WHAT A CONCEPT. It was a game-changing moment for me. (Since then, I have learned that if there is a single truth about Jennie it is that once she decides to do something, THE GIRL GOES AND DOES IT.) Why couldn't I go to the movies? Why couldn't I take a few hours to veg out with my own thoughts? It literally (sadly) had never really occurred to me.

I had convinced myself that not only did I not NEED time, I didn't actually WANT it and, of course, neither of those were true. I had a sleeptastic baby and a pretty good outlook on life and I still managed to lose some sense of self that first year without even realizing it was happening.

I think what I am getting at (in a very roundabout way) is the actual taking care of a newborn isn't something that I'm worrying over too much, mostly because I know that I can't change anything. New Baby will be who New Baby is, end of story. Her needs are not something I can control: they are simply something I need to respond to. These days I am far more likely to feel creeping anxiety about what will happen to ME. (The kids? The kids will be fiiiiiine.)

Having been given a second chance at smelling the delicious head of a newborn anytime I want (which is THE BEST PART about babies), this time I am going to try in a very obvious and clear way to respond to MY needs as well. I didn't end up traumatized because I never took myself out for a latte, but I remember feeling stressed and pulled apart and panicky about way time just seemed to keep rapidly going by month after month after month and it was all because at some point I never stopped to take a freaking BREAK for myself. If you don't stop and make checkpoints, time has this odd tendency to just start running together. (And no, working outside the home doesn't count as alone time.) I'm worried that maybe this sounds like maybe Chris never gave me any time to myself but that's entirely untrue. He encouraged me and pushed me out of the house many times only to hear me say that I didn't WANT to go anywhere alone or do anything by myself and here are some other excuses and a pouty face and I want to stay here and wash clothes and spend TIME with you and the baby. (Again with the We Only Get To Do This Once.) (And what does a smart guy do when his wife gets ANGRY about being told to go paint her nails? He acquiesces, that's what.)  The clarity of hindsight tells me that everyone would have been better off if I had just gone to get my toenails painted or taken the time to run more often.

So, the one thing I want to make sure I do differently this time? Make sure that I do a collection of things that are best for everyone and not just things that are tangibly and obviously good for Claire and New Baby. And, believe me, I know myself and I know how DIFFICULT this is going to be for me, particularly with the older one and her specific, frequent demands.

I need time by myself to run, to stretch, to think, to write, to create, to do something other than be a caregiver, even if it's only for an hour. This is so "no shit" but believe me, it doesn't feel that way with short people leaning on you for everything. The only reason I am putting this in print is so that in 5 weeks I can read it and remember that I deserve and actually want that time alone even it means leaving someone screamy (but well taken care of) back at the house for a little while.

Comments

[Jennie]

I consider your friendship one of the greatest things the internet (or, hell, just life) has given me.

I will be here for movies, for playdates, for latte dates, for sending you on your way so I can try my hand at watching three kids at once (the blog fodder alone that would produce!), and anything else you need. (I mean it about the laundry. You'll see.)

You're a fabulous, incredible, wholehearted, giving mother. You're a fabulous, incredible, wholehearted, giving woman and friend, too.

[Jen]

And always remember, they'll appreciate you more, too. Absence does make the heart grown fonder. Your breaks will allow you to refresh and come back to your little people (and big boy) with new appreciation.

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

I am so very glad I found your blog. I loved reading this. No advice, no thoughts, just glad to have read it.

[Erin G]

1.) I think you have a good attitude and that will make your second baby easier than you think.

2.) I got lucky twice with the sleeping thing. So it does happen to some people. (Pregnant with the third now. Not holding my breath for being THAT lucky to have it happen again!)

[craftyashley]

I was sure we'd used up our good baby allowances too. Luckily, #3 turned out to be super chill as a newborn. He still sleeps like a champ. So there is hope!

[Elsha]

I found that baby number two was much easier stress-wise, and it was also easier for me to make sure I took some time for myself.

[Emily]

I am so jealous of the clarity you have about your life.

Babies stressed me out. Big time. I was the OPPOSITE of you - it sounds awful to say, but when I had Asher, he was a total surprise and I hadn't even started really WANTING a baby. So it took me much longer to bond with both of my kids than I really imagined it would. I don't know exactly why, but newborns are HARD for me. I admire you so much for knowing what you know and committing to making it work better for you this time around. And we will be here for you when you get stressed!!

[Sara @ Belle Plaine]

Yes, exactly. This was how I felt with Noah because we too thought he would be our only. It took me nearly two years to start doing things for myself and then only in small measures of time. Do I still need to remind myself to take that time alone? Absolutely. But the desire to take it is strong these days.

You're spot on with this one and it's fantastic that you know you need time for YOU this time around. Thanks for the reminder as well.

[HereWeGoAJen]

See, I always wonder if just MAYBE Elizabeth wouldn't have been quite so dependent on me (so much so that her daddy couldn't hold her while I made dinner, she wouldn't allow it) if I had gone somewhere without her occasionally.

[Jessica]

I work all day M,T,& W, and Thursday until noon. I've always picked up Margaret at noon and spent Thursday afternoon and Friday with her. For the last month, though, my mom has been keeping her for the afternoon so I can drag my pregnant self home and nap/watch tv all afternoon. Its been great, but I've started to realize I REALLY miss Margaret. I feel like I never see her anymore, which seems silly because its just one afternoon less time, but it makes a difference.

However, before I started getting my regular Thursday nap, I was on edge and not very patient. I was pretty much cranky all the time and often found Margaret to be a nuisance (it hurts to say that). Missing her sometimes (but still getting all of Friday to spend just the two of us) is WAY better than not enjoying any of my time with her.

Even though I know its better, though, I still feel like I'm not soaking up enough time with her as an only child before the baby comes...why do we mothers always feel guilty no matter what?

[Erica]

So, so true. All of it.

[Roberta]

I like that you're on maternity leave already and posting so much! ;-) All I have to say to this? YES. If we have another one, I have GOT to allow my husband to do more things. He's perfectly willing, but with our first, I also felt like I *had* to do so many things, when yes, it would have been better for everyone if I had taken a nap, gone for a run, or gotten a pedicure. And I also had a pretty easy baby. It's still hard, even with an easy baby.

[Julie]

I know we've only just met, but I hope you consider me a part of that support system. I've been through the 1 to 2 child transition, and I remember just how daunting that felt during the last few weeks of pregnancy when it's staring you in the face. We all lived through it, and though multiple kids bring new challenges and tests to my creativity every day, seeing the interaction and connection that develops is worth everything. You will be an awesome mom of 2.

Here's the beauty: you know how to handle a newborn and you know how to handle a toddler, which is what you will have. It might take a little more juggling, but you have the tools.

What Jennie said: ditto. We are not that far apart, and I'll be happy to get together with kids, sans kids, or take all 4 of them so you can take a breath anytime, and I mean that with all sincerity. I'm an ear that's ready to listen.

[Mel]

I think for me the big thing is my first time around I felt like EVERYTHING needed an explanation. The baby must be crying because she is wet or dry or teething or growth spurting or a wonder week... I couldn't seem to grasp the fact that maybe, JUST MAYBE, she was a baby and babies cry. And sometimes sleep. And sometimes don't. I think I'll just be better about not sweating every little thing this time... wisdom and eperience certainly have their perks.

Find time every day to exercise. Even if it's just walking or what not. I feel like my main sanity keeper was having time to run on my own every day and I will insist I have that again this time. I had to get up early and do it (or do it at night) and while it was kinda a whip it was also totally worth it on so many levels.

You are going to great!!!