are things complicated yet?

Does anyone still have a landline? That's all I really want to know today. You can skip over the part about the sheets in this one.

Is this a new tradition? Posting every day while on maternity leave? This is very unlike me. I mean, I did go to Texas A&M and if there's one thing Aggies are positively enamored with it's creating and maintaining traditions. But...no, I think I am just having a lot of time on my hands and I am reluctant to start any project that takes more than a half hour mostly because that means I'll probably have to stand up and reach or bend over for more than a half hour and HA HA HA that is so not happening when I have this slick Ikea POANG chair in my husband's office to sit in and make occasional requests for water and cookies. (That he happily fulfills with nary a sigh or eyeroll, gosh, I LOVE HIM.)

Here's what did happen today:

1. I made Claire's bed. Really, I changed the sheets and then instead of haphazardly putting the covers back on I actually made the bed like a real grown up. (This picture is tiny because I am using the crap code from TwitPic but I'm too lazy to email it to myself and upload it so just click on it if you want to see it bigger.)

I will let you in on a secret: I have changed the sheets on Claire's big girl bed exactly three times since January. I know, you are grossed out, but LISTEN TO ME. She has a bath every night. We are Bath Every Night parents. She goes to bed clean (right after her bath) and she is dry all night and she's not eating leftover birthday cake in there or anything and...the sheets seem super clean to me and they even smell like freshly washed kid most of the time, which is rather nice. So, now you know how lazy I am. I never make her bed and I hardly ever change the sheets. (But, I would like note that I did change her sheets one day before my due date which I think earns me some sort of extra credit because that shit was HARD.)

It's the Land of Nod Circles Quilt and we've had it since January and really, I love it. I couldn't be happier with how it looks and how it's wearing and the weight is nice as well.  It cost too much but it was a gift and that's the way I recommend everyone try to obtain this quilt if it's on your Want List. One day I'm going to put some art on the walls but it will probably be after she stops throwing temper tantrums at bedtime, which will be when she's what...13? SIGH.

2. I went to visit my midwife and I'm 2.5 cm (no change from last week) and I have a very active baby and very normal blood pressure and you can still see my ankle bones (but you have to squint a bit). My midwife is wholly unconcerned that I have not delivered yet and she sent me on my merry way with a request for an NST Monday just to start keeping closer tabs. She never once mentioned the word induction.

3. I had a handful of contractions where I needed to stop what I was doing and go WHOA THAT HURT but only a handful and not close together and I'm pretty sure I'll be pregnant forever.

4. Claire fake-called her grandparents on a cordless telephone that is leftover from the days when we had a landline. I am not sure why we still have this phone, but Claire has adopted it and we have let her. I'd be curious to know who still has a landline and who doesn't. We haven't missed it at all.

5. My friend Julie came to visit us with her 6-month-old daughter and Claire was positively SMITTEN with her. She kissed her and held her hand and when we put the baby in her lap so Claire could show her the mini-Coleman lantern she got in her stocking last Christmas? I thought Claire was going to demand we keep this baby forever.  Good news Claire! WE WILL HAVE ONE OF OUR OWN SOON! (I hope we will have one soon. We better have one soon.)

6. Claire did not take a nap because she was too busy with the visiting baby.

7. As soon as the visiting baby left, I went to my midwife appointment and left Chris with a Crazy No Napped Toddler.

8. Then I came home, said hello and went to dinner with another friend while he bathed her and put her to bed (unwillingly, as she was overtired).

9. Basically, my husband kicks serious ass today as he saw all of Claire's worst sides while I just had fun.

10. All day long I read your comments on my last post and they made me so happy. Thank you for being so supportive and awesome. I have the best readers and friends inside the computer ever, ever, ever. I want to have coffee with all of you.

This time around, a few things will be different

I keep having moments where I think,

"This is going to be tough, so physically DIFFICULT to care for two small people at the same time. How? How am I going to do this?"

I try to remember that I won't feel like this, won't move (er, not move?) like this and won't be off balance like this in just a few short weeks (days?). I won't be agile like a teenage high jumper but I will not be nine months pregnant. I think we can agree that these two things (teenage high jumper/9 months pregnant 32-year-old) are pretty much the complete opposite of each other in terms of simple physical ability to, say, get out of a car unassisted.

I'm not too worried about the days and weeks ahead because I do know how to take care of a newborn (the basic tasks are relatively simple in terms of complexity) and even if this newborn is high needs then I think I know how to deal with that too (Twitter, wine). I have a reasonable expectation of what is normal. We have people to support us and give us the breaks and time and help that we need. It is a huge comfort to know that no matter what flavor of baby we get, everything will be FINE.

And yet. I do feel twinges of anxiety about New Baby, partly because Claire as a newborn never made me feel stressed out in any kind of extreme way and I think we've likely used up all of our Good Baby karma. What are the chances we'll get lucky again? She always went back to sleep fairly easily once her middle-of-the-night problem had been solved and I can remember fewer than five times when she was truly inconsolable. I actually LIKED Claire as a newborn quite a bit. I mean, obviously I did not sleep a lot and I wore semi-clean clothes to work sometimes (okay, lots of times) but to me those were normal life changes that I expected. The baby on her own? She was great.

From what I can tell after many years of reading the internet, it's a bit rare to have a decently sleeping child from the start and I have a great deal of sympathy for parents of infants that refuse to sleep. I can imagine no torture worse than a crying, inconsolable child for months and months at a time PLUS all of the other changes/sacrifices that are made. It was 7 months before Claire slept through the night and I thought I was going to die at that point and she was really a very good sleeper anyway. Parents of children with sleep issues? HEROES.

I mean, I get it, and how it must be soul-sucking in a completely defeating way. But I can't possibly understand it since it's not something I personally experienced. I simply have no war story on the topic.

I am curious if that's about to change.

...

Sometimes I wonder if I sugarcoated Claire's first year, both at the time and in my recollection, because she was so desperately wanted and we tried so hard and spent so much money and tears and time to have her in the first place. I wonder if I was so grateful that she existed at all, that I diminished the value of any personal sacrifice I made. Even though Claire didn't have colic or reflux or sleeping issues, she was still an infant that was awake all the time and hard to figure out and she pushed me to my limits quite frequently. (Because, you know, that's what infants DO.)

Baby won't sleep tonight and is having a dance party at 3 am when I have an 8 am conference call to present at? We asked for this! This is what we wanted! And I ate it all up, really I did, in the name of We Will Only Get To Do This Once. I never let myself even creep close to any legitimate feelings of "this baby thing kind of sucks, when does the toddler part begin?" I think I elevated the entire experience and even the most mundane, tiring and repetitive of activities to a high, high pedestal. I talked myself into thinking that even when something was bad, it wasn't THAT bad because, after all, we have a baby. In the back of my mind, there was always a quiet voice whispering that whatever infant indignity we were experiencing, it was better than not having a baby at all.

(It was an exhausting mentality to maintain.)

I wasn't sure if we'd have another baby, if we'd get lucky a second time or if our life circumstances would even financially allow it, so I was obsessed with making sure that even if I was sleep deprived and I did have to go to work in a few hours, that I enjoyed that 1, 3, 5 and 7 am wake up to the fullest. I think it made me kind of delusional actually, because I literally didn't think about anything but Claire for months and month and months. I put a lot of important things on hold and used her as my excuse. I literally felt that I did not have time to work out because that hour was better spent with her. A measly little hour was something I thought I did not deserve or even want in the first place.

I remember when I first met Jennie I was stunned to learn that she went to the movies sometimes. By herself! Because she just really liked the movies and she wanted to go so she...went! WHAT A CONCEPT. It was a game-changing moment for me. (Since then, I have learned that if there is a single truth about Jennie it is that once she decides to do something, THE GIRL GOES AND DOES IT.) Why couldn't I go to the movies? Why couldn't I take a few hours to veg out with my own thoughts? It literally (sadly) had never really occurred to me.

I had convinced myself that not only did I not NEED time, I didn't actually WANT it and, of course, neither of those were true. I had a sleeptastic baby and a pretty good outlook on life and I still managed to lose some sense of self that first year without even realizing it was happening.

I think what I am getting at (in a very roundabout way) is the actual taking care of a newborn isn't something that I'm worrying over too much, mostly because I know that I can't change anything. New Baby will be who New Baby is, end of story. Her needs are not something I can control: they are simply something I need to respond to. These days I am far more likely to feel creeping anxiety about what will happen to ME. (The kids? The kids will be fiiiiiine.)

Having been given a second chance at smelling the delicious head of a newborn anytime I want (which is THE BEST PART about babies), this time I am going to try in a very obvious and clear way to respond to MY needs as well. I didn't end up traumatized because I never took myself out for a latte, but I remember feeling stressed and pulled apart and panicky about way time just seemed to keep rapidly going by month after month after month and it was all because at some point I never stopped to take a freaking BREAK for myself. If you don't stop and make checkpoints, time has this odd tendency to just start running together. (And no, working outside the home doesn't count as alone time.) I'm worried that maybe this sounds like maybe Chris never gave me any time to myself but that's entirely untrue. He encouraged me and pushed me out of the house many times only to hear me say that I didn't WANT to go anywhere alone or do anything by myself and here are some other excuses and a pouty face and I want to stay here and wash clothes and spend TIME with you and the baby. (Again with the We Only Get To Do This Once.) (And what does a smart guy do when his wife gets ANGRY about being told to go paint her nails? He acquiesces, that's what.)  The clarity of hindsight tells me that everyone would have been better off if I had just gone to get my toenails painted or taken the time to run more often.

So, the one thing I want to make sure I do differently this time? Make sure that I do a collection of things that are best for everyone and not just things that are tangibly and obviously good for Claire and New Baby. And, believe me, I know myself and I know how DIFFICULT this is going to be for me, particularly with the older one and her specific, frequent demands.

I need time by myself to run, to stretch, to think, to write, to create, to do something other than be a caregiver, even if it's only for an hour. This is so "no shit" but believe me, it doesn't feel that way with short people leaning on you for everything. The only reason I am putting this in print is so that in 5 weeks I can read it and remember that I deserve and actually want that time alone even it means leaving someone screamy (but well taken care of) back at the house for a little while.

Is it obvious that I have a lot of spare time these days? I have a lot of spare time.

I've only been on maternity leave for a week and a half, but that long of not working has been pretty sweet. It's partly because it's new and partly because Chris is such a superstar at helping me AND my Mom was here for a while too. (You guys, she FOLDED MY UNDERWEAR while I took a nap last week.)

I'm not really DOING a lot so of course it should be easy-living, but I have to say that the best part of the whole thing is where I don't have to get everyone out of the house and prepared for the day by a certain time.

Did we sleep? Not sleep? DOESN'T MATTER, AS WE HAVE NO PLACE TO BE. Is someone sick? Who is going to move their meetings today and take her to the pediatrician?  Who is packing her lunch? Where are her shoes? Why aren't there any clean pants in this drawer? Claire, brush your teeth. TEETH. CLAIRE. NOW. Where are my keys? Shit, where is my phone? Claire, did you put my phone somewhere? Mommy really needs her phone.

Staying home, sleeping in, getting dressed at our own pace and not forcing a kid into shoes and a car seat at 730 am five days a week has been nice. It's nice not to have to pack a lunch on the fly and open the fridge and realize that oh shit, there isn't ANYTHING for lunch and now my kid is going to be the kid with 2 kinds of crackers, applesauce, apple slices and apple juice for lunch and OH WELL she probably won't eat it anyway and ACK! we have to go! go! go! now! now! now!

Being released from the obligations and schedule of two working parents, for whatever short amount of time it lasts, is a special kind of luxury for us.

***

My due date is Thursday and while I know it's an estimate and not a deadline, I'm at that point where I keep waking up pregnant (surprise!) and family is waiting at the ready to help and I'm on maternity leave and the only thing missing is the actual baby.

The climate is very much Baby Watch 2011 and even though it's ridiculous to think that people are expecting me to have the baby on time or even early (nobody is) it's hard not to feel that way with everyone looking and scheduling vacation time or making travel plans while a certain someone is still residing in my abdomen.

Making it even more odd, because I'm so round and slow and waddly, I don't feel like I'm making the best use of this time either. Obviously I am WELL AWARE of just how little free time I have in front of me, so I should really be making the most of these days. Unfortunately, I just want to sit and sleep and I spend a great deal of time planning my day around how few times I can bend over to pick something up. Instead of accomplishing big projects that have been waiting for ages to have the attention they deserve, I am spending my spare time sitting here on the sofa writing blog posts and consuming anything the internet serves up simply because it means I can stay right here and not move.

I can't help but start to get that dread feeling that perhaps I'm just going to keep waiting and waiting and waiting and that bag I packed is stupid because I won't ever go into labor and after all of this effort and thought and research into choosing a care provider who won't push me into an induction, I will still end up in a stupid hospital bed with an IV of Pitocin in two or three weeks, 42 weeks or so pregnant.

To be honest, that thought makes me want to cry. I don't want to be induced again. Yes, yes, safety of the baby, doesn't matter how she gets here, blah-blah-blah, but all other things being equal I don't want to be induced. I don't want to go through the indignity of all that intervention and not being in control (really working on control freak tendencies, but it's a long-term project for me) and I also don't want to end up without the opportunity to experience and have the natural birth that I want to attempt which is all so very selfish and short-term thinking and dirty hippie of me, I KNOW, but the simplest truth is that I don't want to be induced, at all, period, the end, only because IT TOTALLY SUCKS TO BE INDUCED.

And that is pretty much all I think about these days.

About the iPad

I think I forgot to tell you that we bought an iPad last month.

We had wanted an iPad for a while because we are Mac dorks and because Chris likes to have new things (sorry, TOOLS) in his arsenal of Devices To Fiddle About On and Test Code With. He had made the decision long ago that we would not be buying a first generation iPad (WOE) and we would wait for the second generation for various reasons involving processors and other techy-type things.

When they released details on the second version I watched the live update from my desk at work and he watched it at home and we were madly instant messaging the whole time about This Feature! and OMG That Feature! and HOLY SHIT NEW FEATURE! like the incredible first world nerds that we are. At one point Chris was putting on his shoes to rush to the Apple Store just in case Steve announced that a limited number were available for purchase that very evening, in some sort of highly secretive and coordinated Apple retail event.

(See? I told you we are big nerds.)

Anyway, the stupid thing wasn't going to be in store for a week or two so we just sort of back burnerd the idea and the excitement for a while. On the day they were first available we happened to be in Austin for SXSW, along with every other Apple nerd in the western hemisphere. Apple had a pop-up store downtown that pretty much only sold iPads, the other locations in Austin had lines hundreds and hundreds of people long all day leading up to the 5pm release, the local news was just crammed with iPad this! and iPad that! stories...It was beyond ridiculous. We wanted the new toy, but nobody in this family was going to stand in line with the SXSW hipsters all damn day for it. (In general, I do not care to wait many hours to part with my money. It feels...wrong.)

What ended up happening is Chris found himself alone about 345pm and he decided to run up to the local Target just to see if there was a line, just to see how long it was, just to see how many devices they might have, just to see if maybe he'd get lucky. He had low expectations, but he also had some time on his hands so...WHY NOT?

At 4p he rolled up, walked to the electronics department and found...nobody. There was a sign saying something about selling iPads starting at 5p, but nary a soul was there.  He stood next to the sign for a minute, pondering his next move. The store manager came over and asked if he needed help.

"Um, got any iPads?"

"Yes - we have five."  (FIVE? That's it?!)

"And...can I...buy one? If I stand here?"

"Sure! But we can't ring you up until 5p."

"Okay."

It was really that simple.  Chris stood in "line" for an hour and a couple more people sauntered over to get in line as well, but once they heard there were only 5 devices and 5 people in line, the line miraculously stopped growing.

Chris checked out at 5:01, was out the door at 5:03 and texted me the news that we now owned an EIGHTH Apple device at 5:04. And that is how we came to own an iPad last month.

But really, do I like it? Do I love it? Was it worth spending my hard-earned American dollars on?

I have fallen head over heels for the stupid thing. I mean, I wanted one because it was shiny and looked cool and Chris had talked me into the idea that we almost NEEDED it (haaaa, First World conversations) but I didn't really know how much I'd like it or what it could do that my iPhone didn't already do. In my mind, it was pretty much a giant iPhone and it had limited utility beyond the simple fact that it was bigger. And yes, after about a month I think that is a fairly accurate assessment: big, giant iPhone. But, it turns out that it is just enough better at certain things that I find myself reaching for it many times a day.

I really love it in the kitchen, where I pull up recipes when cooking and my shared meal-planning calendar when making my grocery lists. The magnetic cover that allows it to stand up makes recipe-following super easy and it takes up a fraction of the counter space that my laptop does.

For me, it excels at allowing me to consume content but not so much in generating it. For example, I do not write blog posts or lengthy emails on it, but I do read an enormous amount of information via the iPad. I use Flipboard to peruse several web sites in the morning and I ADORE the Wall Street Journal app.

Last night we were watching The King's Speech and as soon as Edward abdicated I had the thought, "I wonder whatever happened to him and Wallis?" and, as people in 2011 tend to do, I became obsessed with answering my question right away and I asked Chris to hand me the iPad so I could Wikipedia that shit. (Turns out they lived in France for a while and then he was governor of The Bahamas.)

It's not that my laptop or my phone don't do that exact same thing, but the size of the screen and weight make it such a nicely portable device that is perfect for in-between online needs where a full keyboard isn't necessary but an iPhone is rather small. We have already decided that we will no longer travel with a MacBook, we will just take the iPad.

Like many folks, we wish desperately that it had more multi-user functionality so that I could have a profile with just MY email and MY Twitter account rather than logging in and out of various clients all the time. I think the idea that Apple has is everyone in the family should have their own (Oh, Steve Jobs! Always finding ways to maximize sales and revenue per device!), but my gosh we have EIGHT Apple devices in this home already (2 MacBooks, 2 first gen iPhones that technically belong to The Small Person at this point, 2 iPhone 4s, a Mac Mini that runs the downstairs TV and the iPad) and I'm not sure we need a ninth (well, I don't actually think ANYONE needs a ninth). Then again, Chris likes to take it to work and these days when I am at home I DO find myself sort of missing it, but unless the Easter Bunny brings me a spare thousand bucks I'm pretty sure we'll stick with one for now.

We have propped it up on the breakfast table and watched the Blue Angels on YouTube, because we are aviation nerds and that is a totally normal thing for us to do as a family on Saturday mornings.

I bought a game (Fruit Ninja), which is SO UNLIKE ME to buy something from the App Store. Claire and I are not very good at Angry Birds, but we keep playing it for some reason. Chris bought the Plex App and now he can control the TV from the iPad, which isn't such a big deal as we do own a remote control, but it's pretty freaking cool.

The camera on it totally sucks, but you'll find that bit of information anywhere online.

About the buying of the Apps...

I am the kind of person that LOATHES buying anything via iTunes or in the App Store. Buying an App falls into a category of "Obviously a complete waste of money, but it's only a couple of bucks and it brings me enjoyment so I will spend it anyway." It's kind of like a Starbucks: I know I am being ripped off, but I have come to terms with it.  And, yes, I know that we spend dollars on all sorts of frivolous things every day but Apps are different to me and I hate buying them.

I think it is because it is portrayed as a PURCHASE when really it's a RENTAL. You don't BUY an app like you buy a Frisbee from the dollar bin at Target. That is, I can buy a $1 Frisbee and, if I wanted to and I was a very organized person, I could conceivably keep that Frisbee until the day I die. I could pass on the $1 Frisbee to my grandchildren. I could give it away or re-sell it if I get tired of it. I could loan it to someone for the weekend.

But an App is only useful for as long as you have the device it runs on.  If the iPad dies and we don't buy another one, or when the iPad is inevitably replaced by The Next Big Thing, the purchase becomes void. The thing you bought isn't usable any more. Apple can remove it from your computer (I think?) or the developer can stop supporting it. You can't loan it to someone and you can't give it away and you can't even use it on multiple devices in your own home (some of the time). The limitations and restrictions of this kind of "purchase" really turn me off. (I feel the same way about e-readers: I've never bought a book electronically for the same reasons but it's even worse because they cost almost the same as a paper book except THERE IS NO PAPER, which is where a bulk of the cost of the book comes from and they're only a couple bucks cheaper and there aren't near as high distribution costs since there aren't any books to physically ship and LOOK, DO NOT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THIS ONE.)

Chris converted several of his magazine subscriptions to iPad subscriptions, which means we won't be getting annoying paper magazines in the mail any more, which is fantastic. He can take his magazines anywhere and read them whenever, which is a vast improvement from what he WAS doing: putting the magazines in a stack for "later" when he had a nice block of time to read them, which was never. He just had to log on to the sites and switch his subscription - took all of five minutes. I haaaaate having magazines in the house (they look like a pile of trash that hasn't made it to the bin yet) so this makes me very happy.

We also switched to using digital charts in our airplane. Before, Chris had to buy new charts every 60 days or so (they expire) at a cost of about $40 every time and he was only buying the charts for the parts of Texas that we fly in. Now, for $150 a year he gets the entire nation's worth of charts digitally and they automatically update. He doesn't have to physically go buy new charts, we're not stuck with all that paper, it's actually cheaper and we get more for our money. So, that's a nice win for the iPad. (Chris is writing a detailed review of ForeFlight on his blog if you want more details.)

In conclusion (OMG I totally did not mean to write this much about a stupid Apple product, but they are really like crack that way and a person just can't shut up once she gets rolling. Honestly, this started out as just a story about how Chris bought one at Target without waiting in line.)

This is all only about a month into owning an iPad. I think we'll continue to find more uses for it, particularly as new ways to use it are developed and released. I might even come around to the idea of finding value in "buying" certain apps if they bring me a lot of utility or entertainment. Everyone in this house uses it daily and that's a solid win to me.

LIKE.

Why do things like this always seem to happen to me?

I have so little patience and tolerance for stupid these days.

I am 39 weeks pregnant today and just like every other Thursday for the past several weeks, I went to see my midwife. A different nurse took my vitals today and she was older (50? 60? I am terrible at guessing ages) and she was all sorts of weird and aggravating.

She asked me if I had any questions (not for you, stranger-lady, I'll save those for my primary care provider thanksverymuch) and then she asked brightly if I was getting close to my delivery date. (Um, look at my chart, isn't that something you're keeping tabs on? Also, do you SEE this belly?)  She asked me "What we have in there." (Do you mean in my uterus? A baby. That is why I am here today in the practice. Specifically, it is a girl. And, it's mine. There is no "we.")

She asked if it was my first (nope - isn't that in my chart too?) and what I have at home (a girl) and this news of two girls never fails to make people start some kind of stupid happy-clappy dance of SISTERRRRRS HOW NIIIIIICEEEEE and it's like...I don't even KNOW YOU. SHUT UP. People I know are allowed to be excited but you? You should just take my blood pressure and leave please.

Then she kept calling me "sweetheart" and "sweetie" the entire time and if those words weren't idiotic enough all on their own, they are BEYOND inappropriate and disrespectful for a person I don't even know who is performing work in a professional capacity.  I am not her freaking granddaughter, I am a PAYING PATIENT that is 32-freaking-years-old.

GAH.

So, after the fifth or sixth iteration I just looked at her and said,

"Can you please stop calling me 'sweetheart?' It's REALLY unprofessional of you to talk to me that way."

And her tone immediately changed to "Oh, I guess you're going to be a bitch" (um, yes, if that's how you want to frame it up, sweetie) and she glanced at my elecronic chart and said that she would only call me by......my first name from now on (and she totally mispronounced it) and I told her that Mrs LastName was fine by me as well. IF YOU WANT TO GET TECHNICAL ABOUT IT.

Then she noted that I am 39 weeks and 2 days and I had to correct her and say no, it is 39 weeks exactly (seriously lady, CAN YOU READ?) and she had the gall, the absolute gall, to brightly ask me if I had scheduled my induction yet.

??????????????

And that was when I just looked her straight in the eye and said, "Is Heather (my midwife) here? Because I would really rather talk to her than you."

WHAT PLANET DID THIS WOMAN EVEN COME FROM?

Five

These days I look at my face in the morning and it is starting to appear a bit older and spottier and I wonder if he still thinks of it as the same pretty face he met seven years ago, wonder what it will look like in another seven years and then sometimes if I'm feeling extra dull I wonder what it might look like in thirty years. I think maybe I should start shopping the anti-aging products.

I wonder when I will stop fretting about the freckles that keep appearing on my face, no matter how much sunscreen I slather on or how many wide-brimmed hats I insist on wearing, and just let them multiply freely while he holds my hand as we walk in the sunshine. It's obvious to everyone but me that he doesn't give a shit about the damn freckles, just walk with him dammit.

We've only been married for five years and we have so much ahead of us. I mean, five is certainly a significant milestone but it's no ten or twenty or thirty. I tend to be the kind of person that dwells on a pleasant thought and gets weepy about all of the lovely things that are still going to happen. I'm a planner and I like to think about future plans and there's nothing more cozy to think about than The Plan Of Our Lives. I mostly think about how it's nice that we have so much time to grow old together and how there are so many secrets and beautiful truths that life has yet to reveal. I look forward to being surprised by both good things and bad, but always with him.

He is a better person than I am, always giving the benefit of the doubt, always assuming the best and not the worst in people. He is positive and optimistic and I am a bit gloomier and distrustful. He defuses my attitudes and I have yet to find the point where his patience wears thin.

He still can't quite remember how to order me a hamburger, even though he's heard it a thousand times, but he recalls with perfect clarity our first date and what we ordered and how the sun was just so and the glasses for our beers were square and that was a bit annoying and froofy but, whatever, he was having dinner with a pretty girl that he hoped to see again.

I am so glad that he asked to see me again.

She is my sunshine, my only sunshine

Claire is independent and talkative and opinionated. She can tell us what she wants and most of the time she can get it herself but only if she actually WANTS to get it herself. Wanting an object and wanting to lay hands on it herself are two entirely different things. This feels exactly like what I imagine having servants that ignore you would be like.

"You'd like some water? Okay. Can you go get your cup? Claire? Your cup. CUP. CLAIRE. IT'S OVER THERE. Yes, I know you want some water. You need your cup to have some water. No, not that cup. Not a new cup. You already HAVE a cup. Ohmygod, never mind I will get your cup."

She can get in her car seat and buckle the top buckle (never on request, never when we have somewhere to be, but she CAN physically do it). She can pick what she wants for breakfast and maybe half the time she ends up actually eating what she requests. All the other times, she asks for something ridiculous for breakfast, like popcorn or jelly beans, and when I tell her that those aren't breakfast foods she wakes the dead with her cries of protest.

She can tell the dog to get out of the kitchen while she is eating. She tells him to get out of the kitchen even when she's not eating and I think it's partly because the dog is the only living entity she can boss around without much reprimand. (Admittedly, he is often misbehaving and needs reprimanding.)

She can spy bunny rabbits in the back yard. (We have two random ones that have taken up residence, which is beyond adorable to me.) She loves to organize, sort, categorize, line up and stack. She can recall things that we've done in the past and look forward to things in the future and will spontaneously, without prompting, bring them up and tell other people about them. 

"We have a hummingbird feeder!"

"I saw a bunny in our yard!"

"I'm out of school for the summer!"

"I going to Chick-fil-A!"

She picks out library books all by herself and will sit for 20 minutes at home paging through them, inspecting them and, I presume, evaluating them for future bedtime requests. She tells her Daddy to "be gentle with my boo-boo" in the bath tub. She is a helper. She can bring me my water or a Kleenex or my phone from downstairs (particularly helpful at 9 months pregnant).  She will watch Sesame Street and NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams, and that's about it on TV.  Nothing else has captured her attention and believe me, I HAVE TRIED.  (What I wouldn't give for a kid that I could buy thirty easy minutes from by simply turning on PBS.) YouTube though? Oh, girlfriend LOVES YouTube, which sounds like it might serve the same purpose (mindless child entertainment) but it actually requires a great deal of supervision and effort on my part to keep the Wholesome Kid YouTube train going and not venture into Weirdly Inappropriate YouTube territory.

She knows how to use an iPad and an iPhone and she gets very frustrated at my MacBook because it has no touch screen and "MOMMY, IT NO WORK!"  She is a true child of 2011.

She can put her dirty clothes in the laundry basket (again, hardly ever upon request, but she KNOWS where they go and she has put them there a handful of times). She can express what she'd like to wear today. (Orange shorts or pink? Pink, natch.) She enjoys talking to her grandparents and uncles on the telephone, although she's constantly trying to SHOW them something on the phone and has a hard time understanding that it's audio only. (Again, my precious, modern child of 2011.) We have yet to introduce her to Skype, but I suspect it will be a very big hit.

When we drive by Chick-fil-A she says, "There's the french fry store!"  She knows all of the words to Freight Train, Chicka Chicka, Baby Bear and a handful of other books that she can "read" to herself in bed at night. Listening to her run through the box cars, cattle cars and Black! Steam! Engine! on the monitor is one of those things I wish I could bottle up and visit over and over again later on when I'm old.

She sings constantly. Old Macdonald, 5 little ducks, Where is Thumbkin, Icky Sticky Bubble Gum and a song in spanish she learned at school that involves the words "Buenos Dias, Muy Bien." She can ride in the open carts at Walmart and help me shop. It is her job to throw something in the cart once I give it to her and she takes this job very seriously. She has a bicycle helmet but no bicycle. She can put on her shoes as long as they fasten with velcro, but she always puts them on the wrong feet. Her feet haven't grown significantly since last summer and her pink Converse are ratty and falling apart and while I know that she is THAT KID with awful looking shoes, I'm not buying her any more until her little feet actually don't fit in them.

She loves making rainbows with water and food coloring and I used to supervise her every movement but now I just let her stand at the sink and mix a hundred varieties of colors that all turn out brown in the end while I chop vegetables and make dinner right behind her on the island.

She's clever. She can move her chairs and various stools different places so she can reach things. She helps me load the dishwasher by pouring in the soap and closing the door and pushing the buttons. It's super helpful these days because that's one less thing I have to bend over to accomplish.

She tells me that she will hold baby ____ "like this" and she makes a tiny gesture of holding a baby in the cradle of her arms that she rocks back and forth.  She shows me where baby _____will sleep and she talks about how she will hold her gently and keep her warm and cozy.

She is kind and compassionate and thoughtful. She is loving and freely throws her arms around us and gives us kisses and says I love you. She shares her bagel, her water, her crackers, her cheese but not her toys. (Consumables only, I guess). There is nothing she would rather do than whatever it is you are doing right that second. She enjoys mopping and she has her own spray bottle with water that she uses daily to "clean" just about anything I'll let her. (Cabinets and floor only, not the walls.)

She enjoys getting the mail, picking up packages from the front door and ringing doorbells. I bought her a cherry Chapstick at Walmart this week and she hasn't parted with it. She SLEEPS with it and applies it often and I'm shocked that she's not flat out eating it, but she's not, truly, I've checked several times.

In some ways, she's still so young. A tantrum if you open her cereal bar the incorrect way. She tears up at the mention of bedtime in a book (even if it's noon).

She's never had a haircut and my God, why would I do such a thing? Her curls are gorgeous and a genetic element I didn't know one of us had to pass on. She chooses clips and bows each morning and waits patiently while I do her hair. Sometimes, she requests a ponytail and gosh darnit, there's nothing like a ponytail on that girl to age her 6 years in a moment.

She is easier to discipline now than she was 6 months ago, I think because her grasp of cause and effect is so much more clear. "If you don't stop X, I will take away Y" is remarkably effective. She stays in her room all night and goes to bed between 6 and 9 and wakes up about 10-12 hours later. This predictable part of our lives is gratifying beyond description.  Knowing that everyone will sleep tonight is a lovely bit of knowledge to carry all day long. Sometimes she naps and sometimes not but on the days when she doesn't, she's rarely a hellion, she's just a bit crankier come 4p and that's manageable with some strategic snacks and activities. This is a completely different story than 6 weeks ago, when no nap meant that a Crazy Person would be on the loose.

...

Life isn't a carpet of butterflies every day, but two-year-olds are a special brand of awesome that I wasn't prepared for. (I'll try to remember that at 3 am in upcoming weeks.)

38 weeks

I might add more commentary later on, but I have not been feeling very write-y lately so here is a picture from today. My face pretty well sums up any thoughts I have on the topic.

Oh, ALL RIGHT.  Here's a smile. But I am only smiling because I remembered there is a brand new box of mini ice cream sandwiches in the freezer.

7 quick takes about nothing in particular but that all seem to end up being about New Baby anyway

1. I am only working for three days this week. Starting on Thursday I'll be on maternity leave. This fills me with a great deal of joy (WOOOOOO NO WORKING FOR A LONG TIME) and a great deal of panic (OMG THE BABY IS GOING TO BE HERE SOON MUST SLEEP WHILE WE CAN).

2. Claire is only going to school for three days this week as well and the reason we're not going to send her while I am on leave is complicated and involves me getting angry at someone and perhaps I'll tell the story to you later, but for now the simple reality is that I'll be a 9-months-pregnant and on maternity leave SAHM in about 72 hours.

3. Holy crap, what in the hell are we going to do all day? Especially if New Baby is late and I end up pregnant for 4 more weeks? (AUGHHHH PLEASE NO, NOT AGAIN.) I mean, normally I would be so excited about not working and playing around all day long but I am trying to keep my activity to a minimum and Claire is, um, not really on board with that idea. We have a lot of lunch dates planned and the neighborhood pool opens this week but I have to wonder, does anyone care to see a 38-weeks pregnant woman at the pool?  Probably no.

4. Did you know that once you get to be 37-38 weeks pregnant that your maternity shirts that used to fit?  Haaa, they don't fit any more. Is very insulting.

5. Today my parents were in town and I was showing them New Baby's room and my dad asked Claire who was going to be sleeping in this room.  Claire, ever the show-off, obliged him with "Baby (Her Actual Name) will sleep here!" My parents got kind of wide-eyed and I laughed and didn't say anything to confirm or deny the name she spouted off (but it was her actual, real, going-on-the-birth-certificate name).  We just sort of laughed about it and acted like it never happened.  Later on, my Mom said something about baby Michelle. Nope, her name's not Michelle. Not even close. Thank goodness for the garbled English of a two-year-old.

6. Things I still need to do, that will probably not get done: See optometrist and dentist. Get haircut.

7. The other day an Annoying Daycare Mom that I haaaaaate for a lot of reasons (primary one being that she parks her car in the handicapped spot EVERY DAY even though there are TONS of empty places elsewhere) saw me walking in and said, "Oh! You're going to be delivering soon, aren't you!?" First of all, who says "delivering"?? It's a little too exact on the events that will eventually transpire, don't you think? Particularly for casual conversation? And second of all, if you don't know a pregnant lady it's just not wise to comment on her obvious pregnant-ness. You just DON'T. I told her, "Nope. Not really very soon at all actually." She just said "Oh."  I don't think she felt badly or anything, because she's really just that disconnected from reality which drove me up the wall even more.

Meh

Yesterday at work as I was walking to the bathroom for the four thousandth time that day, a woman that I hardly know was walking the other way and said,

"Whoa! Look out! THAT'S coming soon!"

People really do say some stupid things to pregnant women.