It took 18 cycles to get pregnant that first time, and when I finally did it was because I had been seeing a talented RE and I'd spent a lot of money on drugs and learned how to inject them into my midsection. I was initially pregnant with twins and after seeing a pair of fluttery heartbeats and celebrating our good fortune, one of the babies died three weeks later. Many months after that, Claire was born to two of the most grateful and thankful people to ever to walk this planet.
There. That wasn't so hard to say, was it?
It becomes easier to tell people in real life, the more distance I put between now and then. Then, and for a long time afterward, I seemed to be so defined by my experience with infertility. It slapped me in the face everywhere I looked. It taunted me and tortured every conscious moment. Even after I got pregnant and had a baby and then got pregnant again, it seemed to put a stinging spin on an endless series of mundane conversations and thoughts.
It's not that I was embarrassed by it, it just felt like the kind of topic that wasn't meant for dinner party conversation. It felt like something so intensely personal that it was inappropriate to talk about out loud. Talking about an inability to create life seemed just as depressing and awkward as talking about death: nobody knows what to say, the air gets thick and people shift their eyes upward. It was so private and felt so obviously public: the married couple with no baby.
As more time passes, I'm less defined by it and simply see it as one of the hard times in our life that we overcame. I'm defined today by different experiences and circumstances. Infertility, with all of its labels and notions and stigma, is something that I went through a long time ago. It's not who I am any more and it doesn't color my daily thoughts. It's not holding me back or ruining my life or making me cry every night. Not any more and probably not ever again. It is such a relief to know this truth.
After almost five years, I am over it. I'm over the feelings of failure and guilt and depression and frustration. I'll always be sensitive on the topic but I'm just DONE feeling negatively about it. I am not defined by this shitty THING any more. I even feel mildy triumphant on the topic these days: I beat it and kicked it to the curb and even though it will always be a part of me, I WIN.
I can finally talk about it in an even and neutral tone with zero risk of bursting into tears. The words flow effortlessly from my mouth, like I'm talking about my favorite recipe for pasta. If you had told me in 2006 that I'd be talking this way, I would have smacked you.
The reason I wrote all of this, beside wanting to talk about it for advocacy and awareness reasons, was to say that if anyone ever wants to talk about pasta, now or many years from now, I'm here if you need someone to listen.
There. Something positive that came from something negative. That wasn't so hard to do, was it?
I'm really proud to know you.
Posted by: Jennie | January 18, 2011 at 01:13 AM
I'm so happy for you. This makes me hopeful.
I can already see a glimpse of this. Over five years since starting treatments (and maybe it is an age/maturity thing or a secondary infertility thing?) I'm already better about talking about it sometimes. It isn't as hard or raw, still both things things just not so much so.
Posted by: BigP's Heather | January 18, 2011 at 07:45 AM
That is the most courageous thing I've read in quite some time. Thank you for sharing. I'm just so in awe of your strength and candor. Your girls have a wonderful mom.
Posted by: Julie | January 18, 2011 at 10:24 AM
Wow, A'Dell, I had no idea. This was really wonderfully written, and I am SO, so happy for you and your family.
Posted by: Whitney | January 18, 2011 at 11:00 AM
Amazing. I know they always say that someone you know has probably gone through infertility etc, and I never knew it was you! You always said that you'd wanted Claire for a long time - but I had no idea that's what was implied. I'm glad, of course, that it all turned out perfectly and that you can look at it now as just something that 'happened'.
Posted by: Holly | January 18, 2011 at 11:13 AM
Wow. I'm so happy for you and your soon to be 1 bigger family!
Posted by: Vanessa | January 18, 2011 at 11:58 AM
Way to go. Most people in our circle had no idea of our struggles until we told them we were going to adopt. Its just such a private thing.
Posted by: KLTTX | January 18, 2011 at 11:58 AM
You are an incredible woman A'Dell. Bravo.
Posted by: Shilo | January 18, 2011 at 12:08 PM
I had no idea. What a wonderfully written post.
Posted by: Nothing But Bonfires | January 18, 2011 at 12:40 PM
A'Dell, I had no idea. Thank you for sharing, I bet there are many, many people out there who will take your words and they'll really help them. You're a total hero!
Posted by: Kristie | January 18, 2011 at 12:42 PM
You know, that is kind of how I feel now too. I think I've finally gotten some distance and it is more normal feeling instead of such a Big Thing.
Posted by: HereWeGoAJen | January 18, 2011 at 12:51 PM
I had no idea. It takes enormous courage to write what you did. Thank you for sharing. Girls are blessed to have a such strong mom.
Posted by: Sunny | January 18, 2011 at 01:08 PM
I'm glad you are talking about this. One of the things that always hurt me most after we lost our babies was that it was so taboo to discuss it. And after so many losses and my heart was breaking, I just couldn't keep quiet any longer. And the amazing this was that people actually responded very well. And I didn't have to hide my pain and sorrow any more. I kind of like to think of myself in a traiblazer that way, making it easier for those that follow us.
And I am glad that you have your "After" now and your two beautiful girls.
Posted by: Katie | January 18, 2011 at 04:10 PM
Thank you all for the amazing and heartfelt comments. It's hard to believe how fast the time has passed and how tough it is to see this in print. If this helps even one person get through a similar situation, it will be worth it. My wife is indeed an incredible person, mother, and best friend. But then, I think you already knew that.
Posted by: Chris | January 18, 2011 at 07:38 PM
You are incredible, A'Dell, and this is going to help more people than you know. Thank you so much for sharing.
Posted by: Natalie | January 18, 2011 at 09:48 PM
You are amazing.
Posted by: Elsha | January 18, 2011 at 10:08 PM
Thank you for sharing your story A'Dell. Like everyone else, I had no idea about your struggle. Chris' comments were especially heartwarming. I do understand the pain of infertility. I was so depressed when I first found out your mother was pregnant with you. It didn't seem fair that my life felt so empty and the prognosis was bleak. I had been married longer and was older; but then I was blessed with a son who is only 4 months younger than you. After having my first child, I felt that overwhelming need to 'complete' my family with one more child. After 2 years of more infertility issues your mother got pregnant again and I languished in desperate envy. But we were blessed with Elise (less than a year younger than Rollin). Your experience surely gave many women hope. And here I am, 12 grandchildren later, savoring these babies as 'my reward'.
Posted by: Susan Freel | January 19, 2011 at 12:18 AM
Just read your blog today (Friday). Had no idea that you had so much trouble conceiving. Glad everything turned out so great; Claire is amazing and you and Chris are such wonderful parents.
Posted by: Naomi Lord | January 21, 2011 at 04:11 PM
I'm happy for you that you're over feeling negative about the infertility experience. I wonder how much of your success at getting over it is due to the fact that you were eventually able to have a child (with another coming soon)? I need to figure out how to make peace with it and not be defined by it, but without the babies. I'm not doing such a great job so far. It's great that you posted this. Too few people discuss it.
Posted by: Suzanne | January 26, 2011 at 08:28 PM