are things complicated yet?

7 quick takes - If I post this in the next 5 minutes I can still get it in on Friday

So, several interesting things in the past week:

1.  My great grandmother passed away.  Thank you so much to all who expressed condolences.  She was 96, had lived a wonderful life and the last few years were difficult for her.  I think Maggie put it best - that even though SHE was ready that didn't mean the rest of us were.

We sat in the back of the smallish church and Chris took Claire to the back when she started babbling happily.  Her tiny squeaks could be heard throughout the service and I fretted abut whether my relatives would be annoyed that she was sort of interrupting poignant moments.  Then I decided that I didn't care - she was MY great grandmother after all and I have a baby and SHE is her great great grand daughter and we have a right to be here and SO WHAT BABIES TALK.  BITE ME.  I was sort of spooled up.

After the service everyone came up to me and said how much they enjoyed her talking.  They said it was nice to have a baby around again.  They said how much they thought it meant to my Grammie that she lived to see her great great grand daughter.  How proud she would be.  How they thought the future of our family was so exciting and how perfectly gorgeous our baby Claire is.

I have a nice family like that. 

2.  Funerals are just not my thing.  I've slowly discovered this about myself over the years but I am just not into community grief.  I do not express my grief well within a group and I do not enjoy the hours upon hours of sadness in a closed space.  I am much more private and I actually feel GUILTY about saying things like, "I really miss her," because I feel like I'm bringing the party down. 

Even though I AM AT A FUNERAL.  Clearly, I have a major hostess complex. 

3. Speaking of not being a downer -- when I die a long, long, LONG time from now, I want there to be an open bar.  And balloons.  And canapes.  And a band.  And maybe some fireworks if there's not a burn ban.  They could spell, "A'Dell Rocked This Life" in the sky. 

4.  When we were at the cemetery there was a headstone for a person who is not yet deceased that was a giant chunk of polished, pink granite.  It had the person's name in it and a big rifle above the name.  Like, a BIG, spanning-from-left-to-right, at least 4-feet wide rifle.  It was kind of awesome because it meant that the dude had picked it himself. 

We wondered what he had been thinking.  Maybe, "When I die, I love my rifle so much I want EVERYONE who cruises by to know that I LIKED HUNTING."

My brother thought that maybe he didn't like hunting at all and just wanted everyone to think that he was a bad ass.  Mission accomplished.  My brother then mused that he might want crossed pistols on his headstone for similar reasons.

Only in Texas.

5.  The girls who watch Claire at daycare asked me today where I shop because I "always have the cutest outfits on."  I was shocked and immediately wondered what I was being buttered up for.  You see, I shop at the "I had a baby a long time ago but lots of my clothes still don't fit so I wear random shit and call them Outfits" store.  Most days I really hate what I'm wearing.

After a few hours though, I realized that maybe they meant that out of alllllll the Moms they see in that place, I am one of the more decently and stylishly dressed ones?  Which, I am not sure how that is possible but....okaaaayyyyy.  I'll take a win here.

6.  I am going to Cancun in a week.  A WEEK!  And you guys, instead of a packing list for ME I have a list of things to pack for Claire.  And (this is so lame) A LIST OF LISTS that I have to make about Claire to give to my Mom so she will have every iota of information and insight I can gather into a spreadsheet format.

Never mind that my Mom is smart and raised two normal kids of her own and it's only 5 days.  No.  I will overload her with paperwork, schedules and binkys and still flip out if Claire so much as whimpers while I'm gone.

Crap.  I am really going to miss her.

7.  I finally purchased my plane ticket for The Blathering.  WOO!

I may not be super-skinny, but I've got clean clothes dammit

Confession #1:  I bought a $400 jogging stroller and I have used it less than 15 times in 6 months. 

I considered omitting it from this public forum until I remembered that I am CONFESSING in this post. 

My lack of running has a list of excuses to back it up.  You might even say that the list is a Mile Long.   (HA!) 

It's too hot to go after work when we get home.  Seriously, like 100+ and a thousand percent humid.  Brutal.  You cannot take a baby out in that.  I'd get arrested. 

By the time I get Claire to bed at 730, I feel like it's too late and I'm too tired (even though the sun is still out) and I would much rather do something like laundry so I have clean underwear tomorrow. 

Plus, if I was going to run after the baby goes to bed WHY DO I HAVE A $400 JOGGING STROLLER?  We get up too damn early as it is, so mornings are out.  Now that I haven't used it in a while the tires are a bit squishy and need some air.  *Sigh.*

Confession #2:  Claire doesn't sleep through the night and I don't care.  She also still uses her pacifier at night, during naptimes and I don't care about that either.  I have no plans to take action on either of these items.

It seems like every time we go through whatever flavor of sleep training we have the patience for in the moment, Claire gets the message pretty fast and it works.  She sleeps through the night....until she has developmental BIZNESS to attend to and then the sleeping goes to pot.  (Which, it seems like every two weeks that is some developmental leap or milestone of some sort.  Kids!  They freaking grow all the time!)

Or maybe she'll work on some teeth and that will wake her up a lot.  Or maybe she'll just poop in the middle of the night and wake herself up.  (NOT KIDDING ON THAT ONE, but hey Claire, I totally understand how you might not want to sleep a few more hours like that.  I GET IT.)

I am weak, oh so very WEAK, when it comes to my daughter's wails in the night.  Part of it is that Claire does not wake up with a whimpering wah-wah-wah cry that sounds like she might be bored.  Oh no, when Claire wakes up in the middle of the night she stands up and jumps on her mattress and screams like someone just set her on FIRE. 

It is an urgent cry that makes me want to die inside and if I am Parent Wuss for not letting her just go on and on and on then hand me that t-shirt and I'll wear it with pride.

Same thing with the pacifier.  Claire isn't a difficult kid, but putting a binky in her mouth helps that get-to-sleep process move about twenty times faster.  I don't want her to be 3 years old and still toting a binky but for now I could totally care less.  She doesn't seem to be getting attached to any blankets or toys (and I've tried) to go to sleep with.  So, WHATEVER on this one.  I'll deal with it later or she'll outgrow it soon enough.

Confession #3:  I'm leaving my baby in a week for 5 days and I'm SO sad about it.

We're going to Cancun in a week and Claire will be with my parents Wednesday through Monday.  I should be thrilled to pieces about this trip but all I can think is "boo-hoo-I-will-miss-mah-baybee-soooo much!"

Obvs, she will be fine.  She will have a grand time and it's important that she go ahead and start logging solo time with her grandparents so they can properly spoil her.  But oh, how I will miss her.

Confession #4  The part about my trip I am most looking forward to is club sandwiches by the pool with a good book and a lava flow.

I should be looking forward to spending time with my husband but really?  I'm looking forward to being alone with my own thoughts for ten-minute stretches at a time and not wondering if Claire is going to eat that or is Claire going to bonk her head on that or is Claire going to need a new diaper soon and where the hell am I going to change that around HERE?

Yes, being alone with my own thoughts will be quite liberating.  I will enjoy only having to look after myself for a few days.  I will enjoy not toting dirty diapers in my purse.  I will enjoy not panicking at the reality of having NO BINKY with me when we are out in public.

Confession #5  I stopped sterilizing bottles and binkys some time ago.

Seriously, what with everything she puts in her mouth and the whole crawling with hands on the floor, WHAT IS THE POINT?

Confession #6  I never return grocery carts to the proper place.  I always leave them in the parking lot - free and loose and probably dinging your car.  I am that person.

Confession #7  I haven't touched the baby book since, oh, about this time last year.

I  got out the baby book sometime in June and put it on the dining room table - just to SEE if I might want to work on it.

Aaaand, I haven't touched it.  This does not bode well.  In the meantime I have been announcing her milestones on Twitter.  I don't think it's quite as permanent.

***

I would like to leave you today with a video of Claire clapping.  I caught her in the hallway this evening clapping and grinning at herself and it was SO funny.  Please ignore my shrieky and frantic encouragement of the clapping.  (Really, nobody should ever have to hear themselves on tape.  I don't know anyone who actually LIKES how they sound when they see it later.)

Also, you can see Claire's bashed-up lip that she split open yesterday.  Poor baby.

For some reason I rendered this in standard and not widescreen and now it looks rather smushed.  But I'm not doing it over again.  I have important things to do.  Like laundry.  And not running.  GO ME.

Claire Clapping from AMS on Vimeo.

I know it's the doctor stories that keep you coming back, so HERE YOU GO

Gah! There is no better way to kill an entire morning than by visiting the pediatrician.  Or a doctor of any sort really.  Doctors!  They have no respect for other people's time!  Just because you're a doctor doesn't mean you're like, GOD or something and everything revolves around you.  It just means you have a lot of student loans and that's not a very good reason for wasting EVERYONE IN AMERICA'S time.

***

We showed up at 910 for our 915 appointment and were promptly shown to an exam room....where we proceeded to wait for ALMOST A FREAKING HOUR before the doctor deigned to make an appearance.

How in the world do you get an hour behind schedule when I show up for THE FIRST APPOINTMENT OF THE DAY?  How is that even possible?!  And why isn't there an appointment at 8?  Or even 830?  Past 9 is rather late for us working girls to be taking kids in and you refuse to make afternoon appointments for sick kids so really, you are not very working-parent friendly which I am taking personally.

So we wait for an hour and we see the doc.  Claire open-mouth kisses me, drools all over my shirt, throws toys on the ground, watches me run the faucet for her amusement, dispense paper towels one after the other, show her the translucent biohazard box with syringes in it, etc.  We run out of things to do in that sparse room after about 20 minutes.

(I should note here that I really, REALLY like Dr. H.  She is very nice, knowledgeable and listens to me talk about what I found last night on the internet without making a face.  Which, HUGE PLUS in the world of Doctors.  They also have electronic patient records and the nurses are super organized and awesome.  This hour late crap is, thus far, an isolated incident.) 

I brought her in for a hacky cough she'd developed over the weekend.  As I described the cough in great detail, Dr. H fished a surprising amount of wax from her right ear and said, "Ohhhhh, this ear is pretty infected."  Surprise! 

(This is one of the tricky things about Claire - when she has an ear infection she doesn't give you any hints.  No fever lasting more than a few hours, no pulling on the ear, no cranky.)

Last night I was doing a wee bit of Googling and the only thing her combination of cough symptoms (which, really, it was QUITE the cough) was adding up to was...Pertussis. 

Yes, WHOOPING COUGH OMG.  (This is why I should not be allowed to Google past 10 pm.) 

I figured there was NO WAY she has pertussis, since she is vaccinated, so I went to bed.  *It's just a cough!* 

I mean, we were just there at the doc's office on Friday for her 9 month well-baby exam and she checked her ears and chest and she was FINE. 

This morning when Dr. H was all, "Hmm, describe the cough to me?  And does she do this?  And that?  What about something like this?" I started to wonder what the heck was going on.  This was the same detailed sort of questioning I got when she had bronchiolitis.  (Otherwise known as That Time I Think I Waited Too Long To Take My Baby To The Doctor And I'm Still Blaming Myself.)  What she said next made my jaw drop:

"Well, we are seeing some pertussis going around, but I've only seen it in a baby this young ONCE before and that 9-month old girl had NO vaccinations!  And Claire is vaccinated!  So even though her symptoms are pointing to pertussis, I just don't think it is and the timing is also off.  But if she still has this cough on Friday you'll have to take her to Big Children's Hospital Downtown For Actually Sick Kids for a test to rule it out.  Because even though it's really remote, it could happen."

WTF?!  WTF?!

We left with a prescription for antobiotics and an Albuterol refill.  (Since we own that fancy-ass nebulizer we might as well use it.)  Because we have blown through our deductible for the year this trip to the pharmacy (at least our TENTH in 2009) only set me back $20.  She has not been coughing tonight like she has for the past few nights, which I am so happy about.  I'm hopeful that it's just a particularly nasty ear infection that cost us nothing more than a few hours.

And that is how I spent my morning.  The end.

3 months later: thoughts on that whole working mom thing

I wrote this back in April and never finished the "day" portion of it and, probably because of that, it sat unfinished in my drafts folder until now.  I found it this morning and figured I'd publish it - if nothing else as a simple testament to what my mornings were like when she was 6 months old.

Man, I can't believe I only made it to 647am!

****

I am looking forward to Claire eating solid foods if only because it means one day I will not have to wash bottles any more.

I am hiring a maid.  A housekeeper.  After four months of "doing it all" and realizing that I'm doing a crappy job at it, I give up.  I THROW IN THE TOWEL. 

A clean bathroom will make me happy and it turns out I can pay someone to clean it (and the rest of the house) for me.  Who knew?  I resisted for a long time because it just seems so stupid to pay someone to do the most trivial tasks that only take a few minutes.  But when they ALL need to be done and doing it right would take all morning (uninterrupted - which, HA)

I can't do it.  And I don't do it.  And the house is a mess and it makes me cranky and I don't like it.  I am throwing money at the problem and hoping it goes away soon.

Claire is sleeping through the night.  I will not belabor the point but, suffice to say, OMG MY BABY SLEEPS THROUGH THE NIGHT I FEEL HUMAN AGAIN MY LIFE HAS TOTALLY CHANGED YAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!

Moving right along.

One thing that I am consistently bad about is saying, "I need some time for myself."  I do not mean time to go on whole-day shopping sprees.  I mean time to shower, brush my teeth on Saturdays, cut my toenails, change the sheets on my bed, find a matching outfit that isn't wrinkled, put my underwear on not-inside-out, go for a run, style my hair (ponytail does not count), put on makeup, get a glass of water, upload photos, comment on blogs, return email from my grandmother, clean my wedding ring that is caked with baby lotion, baby vomit and, quite possibly, baby poo, etc, etc, etc.

These are not big jobs.  They're things that take between ten seconds and ten minutes and I don't want to do them all at once.  No!  I just want to do a couple of them a day.  My expectations are low!  But I just can't manage to find the time.

****

430 am - The alarm to wake up Chris goes off.  He showers and gets ready for the day.  It is agreed that this in an unholy hour.

5 am - Chris leaves for work.

515 am - Claire wakes up.  I bring her to bed and nurse her.  We both fall back asleep.  It's nice to snuggle with a baby in the mornings.

6 to 605 am- I drag us both out of bed.  Change the baby's diaper, tickle her round tummy.  Put her in the crib to play while I shower.

605 - 615 am - Listen to Claire burble to herself on the baby monitor while I shower.  I wonder, should I shave my legs?  It would take about 90 seconds.  The weather might be nice today.  I could wear a skirt!  No.  I don't have time for that actually.  (Yes.  I literally think this.)  Claire is sounding like she might be about done playing and I still have to put her bottles together and I'm running sort of late --I want to be at work by 730 -- and...no.  CANNOT SHAVE LEGS NO TIME FOR THAT.  Will wear pants today and hope Chris pretends to not notice that I have not shaved my legs in 4 days.

615 - Get out of shower, walk into baby's room wearing towel and dripping all over to check on her.  One of two things happens:
    1) Claire smiles at me and continues playing.  Green light to continue getting ready!  YEAH!
    2) Claire is either done playing by herself or, now that she sees me she's REALLY done.  I pick her up and carry her with me to the bathroom.  She plays on a blanket on the floor.

615 - 620 - Wash my face.  Brush my teeth.  Floss.  (Sometimes.)  It takes 5 minutes to do these things because I'm dancing and making faces at Claire while simultaneously shaking a blue octopus with a bell in it at her.  Most of the time, she is less interested in the octopus and more interested in Mommy's crazy antics.  Turn on the hot rollers even though 90% of the time I don't use them and 20% of the time I leave them on all day.  So far, the house has not burned down.

620 - Find underwear.  Put it on.  Realize that it's inside-out.  Correct the error.  Wonder why I cannot seem to put underwear on properly any more.

621 - Find a bra.  Lately, this is tough.  I have two nursing bras that I like (and 4 that I don't like and thus do not wear) and I broke one of them in Maui.  How?  Well, it was washed and then dried (I KNOW) and then I tried to put it on while still warm.  (We were going places.  I had a lava flow to drink.  I was in a hurry.)  Turns out those plastic clips get brittle in the dryer and when I clipped them they just snapped in half and rendered the entire item useless.  F!

So I have one bra.  But I'm not nursing as much any more  (see: Back to Work After Vacation and Solid Foods) so I've been wearing my old bras some.  It's a stupid game of "Which Bra Will Fit Today?"  I always lose.

625 am - Dry hair.  Do same dance/funny faces, shaking jingly octopus.  Claire is fascinated by the hair dryer and the wacky things it does to my head.  I have FINALLY stopped losing all of my hair though.

630 am - Decision time.  Do I put the rollers in my hair?  Or just skip it?  Am tired of looking so crappy so I decide to GO BIG and STYLE MY HAIR today.  WOOOOOOO!

633 am - Rollers in!  Claire getting bossy on the floor.  I scoop her up and we find shoes in the closet together.  They are always flat.  Since having a baby I seem to have permanently lost my balance.  Anything higher than 2" makes me look like a fourth grader in her Mom's shoes.

635 am - Give the baby whatever medicine she's taking today.  Watch most of it dribble onto her chest and wonder if she ate enough of it to actually get better.

640 am - Dress the baby.  She's stopped yakking on herself so much so we have a one outfit per day habit.  It's nice.

645 am - Pop Claire into her high chair with some toys.  Make coffee.  Inhale the amazing aroma.  Say a silent prayer in thanks for the existence of coffee.  Pack up her bottles and whatever vegetables and fruits she's going to eat today.  Pack up my pump, ice pack and empty bottles.  Find keys.  Where are my keys? 

647 am - Found my keys!  Begin the 4 trips to load the car for the day.  Turn car on to start the AC.  Load pump bag, my purse, Claire's bag, diaper bag.  Put baby in car seat.  OMG WHERE IS HER BINKY?  BINKY BINKY BINKY!  She will always fall asleep on the way to school and she requires a binky for this.  If there is no binky there will be screaming and Mama cannot handle The Screaming this early in the morning (even if I DID have coffee).

***

Um, yes.  So, as you can see my mornings are/were a bit spastic.  Our days are VASTLY easier now.  There is such a huge difference between a 6-month old and a 9-month old.

I'm just as stunned as you are that I managed to cobble words together.

I don't even know where to start.

Claire is sleeping like butt.  About a week ago she started waking up 5, 10, 15, I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES BUT IT IS TOO MANY times in the middle of the night.  I think she's working on her top two teeth, she night crawls in her crib and when she bonks her head it wakes her up.  Then she pulls up on the crib rail and because she's still woozy and sleepy she can't figure out how to sit back down so she bounces and jumps and screams in agony like she's on fire until one of us rushes into the nursery and scoops her up. 

She will immediately flop her head on my shoulder and go back to sleep.  (Which is totally defeating to know that she's so tired she can immediately pass out and yet she can't manage to just CHILL and lay down in her crib by herself.)  We sit and rock for a bit and I enjoy the cuddly/sleepy baby thing.  When I think she's pretty well out I lay her back in bed.  She screams as soon as my body is no longer touching hers.  We do this three or four times and only THEN does she deign to sleep in her own crib.

She sleeps for about two hours.  Then we do it all over again, but sometime after 3 am she needs soothing about every 30 minutes.

AND IT IS JUST WHAT I WOULD IMAGINE HELL WOULD BE LIKE.

Babies are so tricky, aren't they?  I was just getting used to sleeping again, after the wild newborn sleep/wake/eat patterns that consumed out lives last winter.  It was nice - I felt like things were coming together and that there was a normal life out there - somewhere! - waiting for me and SLEEP was a huge part of it.

She's got a lot going on - teething, figuring out the turbo speed on her crawl technique and she started cruising about ten days ago.  She's playing with a lot more sounds and noises.  I even think that she's beginning to pick up on some of the signs we've been doing.

So, yeah this is totally expected and normal and blabbity-blah that doesn't make me feel better I MISS SLEEPING.

***

Claire eats:

Pears, apples, blueberries, strawberries, peaches, sweet potato, yogurt of all flavors, oatmeal, spelt, barley, rice, chicken, bread, grilled cheese with monterrey jack, avocado, banana, gouda, Mum-Mum's, Cheerios, black beans, pinto beans, colby jack, cheddar, ice water in a sippy cup, tortilla, orzo, carrots and yesterday she had two bites of chocolate ice cream.

***

I continue to own about 30 articles of clothing and I am tired of it.  I need to purchase new clothes and the situation is quickly reaching a status that requires action immediately or I will...well, I will be really unhappy.

It has been 100 million degrees every day for what seems like forever and this greatly impedes my shopping ability.  My venue of choice is an outdoor mall that I can pop over to after work in the afternoons with Claire.  But when it's so fricking hot she practically melts in her stroller as I wheel her around in the furnace that is Texas In Summer.

I haven't really been able to shop and see what's out there for sale.  Now that she's not barfing on me every ten minutes I can actually buy shirts that are not $5 and from Old Navy.  I would like to look a little more grown up when I leave the house.  You know, one day soon.

A'Dell's Next Priority:  Replenish Thine Wardrobe.

***

Claire just woke up.

***

We are going on vacation.  VACATION!!!!!!!!

I booked 4 nights in Cancun at a posh all-inclusive that is adults-only and has something called "butler service."  (I know!  I don't really know what it means but there's no way that's going to be bad!) 

We are leaving Claire with my parents.

We are going to sit by the pool/beach and drink tropical cocktails.  We are going to get massages. We are going to do some sort of activity off property and then hurry back because HELLO FREE DRINKS.  I'm going to eat a club sandwich by the pool every day with a pina colada.  Then I'm going to hang out at the swim up bar with my husband and stare into the ocean for hours.  And maybe have another club sandwich.  (I really like club sandwiches.)

I'm looking forward to it in the most awesome way.  Chris and I desperately need this time alone and together.  It will be refreshing and wonderful and fun.  I'll miss Claire a lot, but she will be in good hands. 

It might be a little pathetic, but one of the things we're most looking forward to?  Is sleeping for more than 2 hours uninterrupted.  I don't care if I have to go all the way to Mexico to sleep, I just want to freaking sleep SOMEWHERE, SOMEDAY. 

PLEASE.

***

There is no way to say this without people making some kind of eyebrow-raise, but last week we bought a single engine aircraft.  Chris has had his pilot's license for more than 10 years and owning a plane is something we've always dreamed of.

It's not fancy (Paris Hilton would not touch this aircraft with a ten-foot pole) or big (I'm only allowed to pack 50 lbs) but it's ours and we are SO excited. 

We'll be able to hop away for the weekend and see far-off family more often.  We can also steal away to New Orleans for beignets, pop over to west Texas for BBQ on Sundays, hit the beach in the Florida panhandle and go to Texas A&M football games without that hellacious fight through traffic on Friday nights.

Coning soon to a regional airport near you:  A'Dell, Chris and Claire.  (Jake doesn't fit.  Poor Jake, he has to stay at home.)
 

I would like to purchase some anti-blinking medication now. There's a pill for that, right?

I swear that all I do is blink and two weeks pass me by.

One day I'm straightening up for the housecleaner and then just as soon as I inhale the scent of Clorox in the bathrooms and take a relaxing "Damn it feels good to know I didn't have to be the one to clean that" breath, I sit down, blink, and it's time to straighten up the house again two weeks later.

Where does the time go?  How is my life passing by so quickly?

For example, I bought Chris a Father's Day card.  I was buying a card for HIS father at the Wal-Mart and I saw this one and my heart kind of went pitter patter and I thought, "YES!  This is the kind of father he is!"  So I had to buy it. 

I'm not really a card person.  I much prefer to write something in my own words but it's indicative of how time-crunched I'm feeling these days.  Too busy with gathering groceries and sentiments for other people, I couldn't take five minutes to formulate 35 words of thanks and love to my husband on his first Father's Day.  I paid Hallmark $3 to do it for me.

And then?  Even though it was a great card?  I FORGOT TO GIVE HIM THE CARD UNTIL FOUR WEEKS LATER.  I saw it in my purse a few days ago and rolled my eyes at myself.  I gave him the card.  He liked it.  He pointed out that it wasn't even signed - did I want to sign it now?  After he'd read it?  Maybe write Claire's name too?

Sometimes, I really suck.

My brain is fried and I can't remember how to write

So, just look at these pictures of Claire.

Here is Claire with her Daddy in the parking lot of Wal-Mart.  (Obvs, we only take her to the nicest places that Ft Worth has to offer.)

We did not have a lot of success with the 8 month photo.  I am not thinking things will be different with the 9 month photo next week. 

WHOA.  Seriously Claire.  We do not leap out of the chair.

Oh, I suppose you have somewhere you need to be?  Wait, do you have a date?  YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DATE.  Get back here young lady!  Stop crawling so dang fast!